


Kylo Ren needs to Chill (aka my shitty star wars au)

by darknessandrageandkittens



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: And yet, But that's just a dirty rumor, Crack, Evil Space Mom wants her kids to be happy, F/M, Jedi Training, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Or Is It?, Rey is a badass, Stoner Luke, That's Not How The Force Works, There is apparently a plot, This is pure crack, drunk! kylo, he keeps drunk dialing rey via the force, kylo ren needs to chill, leia is immortal bc reasons, luke is a troll, rey and finn are Bros, so are rey and poe, so does Good Space Mom, that's it that's the fic, the ultimate jedi that wastes all the other jedi and eats their bones
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2018-05-11 00:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 24,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5606944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darknessandrageandkittens/pseuds/darknessandrageandkittens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren keeps drunk-dialing Rey. With the force. She's getting kinda sick of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jedi Training is Boring as Shit

Rey was loath to admit it, but Kylo Ren had been right when he said she needed a teacher, and really. Who was going to say no to being trained by THE Luke Skywalker?

One notable exception excluded?

While she had been very excited to learn, Rey soon came upon a realization.

Jedi training was boring as shit.

Sure, it was challenging at first, but a girl could only meditate for so long before wanting to go jump in the ocean. Which was probably why Luke had her meditating so much. If she could make it through this, she was sure, she could make it through anything else.

Sitting on the sun-warmed stone, cool ocean breeze flowing through her hair, Rey closed her eyes and opened herself to the Force.

Kylo Ren was waiting for her.

“Rey. Rey can you hear me?” Shocked, the young jedi jolted, looking around for a foe that could not be seen.

“What’s happening! Where are you?” she hissed, confused.

“Uh. Shit. I don’t remember the name of the place. Look that’s not important, Rey. Rey. I have to talk to you!”

“What a coincidence. I have nothing to say to you!” she snarled, enraged.

“Look, ok that’s fine, just. Shut up for a sec. Ok. Rey. You have to talk to the Knights of Ren. They. They won’t stop laughing at me Rey. They keep making fun of me! They’re calling me pathetic, Rey! I’m not pathetic!”

“Are y- are you fucking drunk?”

“Yes. Listen. Tell them I’m not pathetic. NO STOP LAUGHING REY IT ISN’T FUNNY”

“You’re the most pathetic being in the universe. And that’s coming from someone who used to gut spaceships for food.”

“NO I’M NOT! IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU’RE SO STRONG IN THE FORCE! It’s not even fair. They said I was weak for getting beat by an untrained girl from some sand-trap of a planet. Did you know my grandpa hated sand Rey? Because he did. Sand is gross, Rey. Darth Vader said so.”

“For the love of- would you please just go?”

“Not until you promise to join the Dark Side.”

Sighing heavily, the girl braced herself for a very long, very annoying conversation. “Give me one good reason to join the Dark Side.”

She sensed his clumsy surprise. Clearly he hadn’t expected to get this far, even in his drunken, mopey haze.

“Uh. Wait. Yeah ok. You have brown eyes.”

“What the fuck does that have to do with anything”

“I also have brown eyes. Brown eyes are dark. You should join the dark side.”

“Please fuck off and let me do my training?”

“HA! Some training! Skywalker is lame. I’m way cooler. And edgy. Also I dress better. SHUT UP HUX YES I DO! You should be my padawan Rey. It would be awesome.”

“I’m not going to be your padawan, Ren.”

“BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY”

“Right. I’m leaving.”

“No, wait don’t g-” concentrating all her efforts, Rey managed to close the connection.

That was strange, she thought. Apparently Kylo was even whinier as a drunk. She hadn’t thought that possible.

So his colleagues were teasing him for being beaten by her.

Good. 

As long as this didn’t happen again.


	2. General Hux is a Potential Ally

After the somewhat alarming conversation with Kylo, Rey considered whether or not it was worth informing Master Luke about. No, she decided, it wasn’t worth bothering him over. Besides, whenever she mentioned the grouchy Sith in her teachers’ presence, his eyes grew tight and pained.  
Puppy eyes should not be effective in a man over 12, she thought privately.  
Fucking Skywalkers.  
Weeks passed, and the young Jedi’s strength and control flourished under Luke’s training.  
Until finally, during a quiet moment alone, it happened again.  
“REY!”  
“FUCK!” the young Jedi shouted, falling from her seat on the stairs of the temple, where she had been eating a sandwich.  
It was a good thing Master Luke was off doing his meditation intergalactic oneness bullshit somewhere.  
“Yeah, it’s great, he’s gone. Listen, Rey. I was thinking a lot about what you said.”  
“You mean the part where I told you to fuck off?”  
“What? No. You said you wanted one good reason to join the Dark Side.”  
“No I d-” he cut her off abruptly.  
“Hush yes you did. I have the reason. It came to me while I was talking to Grandpa.” Rey felt vaguely confused and disturbed.  
“Isn’t your Grandfather dead? Are you talking to his body? That’s so fucking creepy!”  
“HE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME, REY! IT’S NOT CREEPY! YOU SOUND LIKE HUX! Speaking of Hux, I have your one reason.”  
With a sigh of patience her master would be proud of, she steeled herself.  
“Fine. What is it.”  
“If you join the Dark Side, You get to beat up Hux. Also storm troopers, but more importantly Hux. Not Phasma though, she’s scary.”  
Rey didn’t even know who these people were. Concentrating, she got a vague picture of a pale, red haired man who was yelling about something or other. Property damage, from what she could make of Ren’s intoxicated thoughts.  
“Why would I even want to beat this person up?” She felt his exasperation almost immediately.  
“Because he’s annoying! He never shuts up about “duty”, and “the prime directive”, and “getting goddamn anger management control, Ren, this is the third time this week you destroyed a room”, in his pretentious damn voice. Stars, I hate him. You should beat him up, Rey. You don’t even have to join the Dark Side to beat him up. You could do it as a Jedi. I won’t judge you.”  
“Please just go?”  
“Look Rey, you have to promise to let me know when you beat him up. I want to watch.  
Rey?  
Rey we’re in your goddamn thoughts, I know when you’re ignoring me.  
REY!”  
“FUCKING WHAT?”  
“Hux is a dick.”  
“GOOD BYE.” She tore the connection away before the mopey Sith could even think to protest. Ugh. This was going to start being a thing, wasn’t it?  
Storming into the temple, she picked up a pen and started writing.  
*a few days later, somewhere in space*  
“Ren?”  
“What do YOU want, Hux?”  
Rolling his eyes, the General held up a piece of paper.  
“Explain to me why you little Jedi girlfriend has sent me a letter of appreciation, encouraging me to, and I quote, ‘bug the hell out of that emo fuckstick’? I can only assume she means you.”  
“Oh my GOD, Hux, she’s not my girlfr-wait, what?” Kylo grabbed the piece of paper, scanning it with growing shock and rage. Smirking slightly, General Hux revealed his final blow.  
“It came with a fruit basket.”  
The resulting tantrum lasted three hours, and caused a record breaking amount of damage. It was worth it, Hux decided as he gleefully filed the paperwork.  
Across the star systems, on an island in a peaceful ocean, a young padawan felt the destructive energy of the force wash over her in waves.  
A serene smile graced Rey’s face.  
Maybe now, she thought, he’d stop fucking talking to her when he’s drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should know that he thoroughly enjoyed that fruit basket.


	3. Using the Force to Lift Rocks is Totally Official Jedi Training

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke Skywalker is without a doubt the best Jedi Master of his time. He is also the only Jedi Master of his time. Also, Rey gets craftsy.

Rey took deep, cleansing breaths as she focused her energy on the task at hand. Master Luke had instructed her to move the boulders out of the saber training area before the end of the day, using only the Force. Rey had a sneaking suspicion he merely didn’t want to do it himself, hence her intense focus. As soon as she could get the rocks to balance, she would be able to leave a monument to her master’s training for him upon his return.  
Gently does it, and……  
“Did you miss me?”  
The young Jedi gave a wordless cry of frustration as the tall pile of stone crumbled.  
“WHAT THE FUCK, REN. I WAS ALMOST FINISHED!”  
“Awwwww! You totally missed me! Admit it. You love me. I’m your favorite.”  
Huffing, Rey tried to ignore the insistent Sith’s presence in her thoughts.“Rey, is that why you won’t join the Dark Side? Because of your crush? I mean I don’’t blame you at all.”  
“What the hell are you drinking, that you would consider that even a remote possibility?” she growled.  
“I….don’t know. But that’s not important. Anywayyyyy what are you up to?”  
“I was TRYING to clear the training area of rocks, before I was so rudely interrupted.”  
“Oh shit, he’s doing it again? Rey. Rey listen to me. Skywalker does this, like, all the fucking time. Trust me Rey. He gives you shitty chores and pretends they’re training lessons. He made me carry him through a fucking swamp once."  
At least her suspicions had been confirmed.  
“I would never do that, Rey. Not to you. Because. Because I’d be the best master EVER, ok? I could totally teach you the ways of the force, way better then old Luke “contain your emotions” Skywalker. Just join the Dark Side!”  
Groaning internally, the padawan focused once more on the rocks.  
“Listen Rey. I forgive you for the Hux incident ok. I know you didn’t REALLY mean to send him a fruit basket. So, just. Join the Dark Side. We have way cooler outfits!”  
Rey continued to move the rocks, to Kylo’s annoyance.  
“Rey. Rey, pay attention to me.”  
The rocks piled higher.  
“Rey. Pllleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeee join the Dark Side?” She could picture easily the Skywalker puppy eyes.  
“Ren?”  
“Yes what anything”  
“Kylo.”  
“Rey??”  
“Could you do me a small favor?” She sensed his excitement through the bond, eager to please in his drunken stupor,  
“I would give you the very air from Hux’s lungs.”  
“Shut the fuck up.”  
Rey could practically hear the dramatic gasp, all those light years away. She quickly snapped the connection apart.  
Thousands of lightyears away, an angry dark figure swept by cowering stormtroopers on his way to cry to a twisted black mask.  
Rey sighed. Three times, after all, was a pattern. Shaking her head, she resumed her concentration on the rock pile. It was somewhat easier this time, she realized. She must be getting stronger.  
Finally, finished and exhausted from the strain, the girl lay down next to her creation and closed her eyes.  
Luke returned to the field two hours later with a jug of water, only to find his sleeping padawan curled up next to a large rocky statue of a dick, jutting defiantly into the sky.  
His eyes crinkled with amusement as he chuckled, turning to let the child sleep. She was more more like Ben than she realized, he thought privately. She had done well today. He let her have her rest.  
He half turned when he heard her mutter something in her sleep. The breeze carried the words away, but he thought he was able to make them out.  
'Fuck you, Kylo.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luke Skywalker totally knows what he's doing. No, really.


	4. Even The Chosen One Needs a Break with the Family Sometimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you grow up on a desert planet surrounded by people who would have minimal problems eating you, you don't get to cuddle much. Ditto for being raised and trained for as long as you can remember to be a mindless soldier who only follows orders. Luckily when you're raised by an entire resistance, you get really good at cuddling, so Poe Dameron has our kids covered.  
> You should know that there was a deleted scene with General Leia that would have made you sad. You want it, though, let me know.

After a few months, Rey was finally granted time to visit the rebel base she had come to think of as home. Back to the resistance. Despite her best efforts, she couldn’t convince Luke to come with her. He spouted off some mystical bullshit about timing and oneness through solitude. The coward.  
The first thing she did was take a shower. Fucking Jedi temples. Apparently, the first Jedi were too good for running water, which was ridiculous. But whatever. The second thing she did was find Finn.  
He had woken up a few weeks ago, and when she finally saw her friend, she welled up with so much unbridled joy that those sensitive to the Force couldn’t help but feel it’s ricochets. Running towards him, she gave him the biggest hug of her life. Seeing as she had grown up on a desert planet with no family, that wasn’t saying much.  
“FINN! Oh my stars, it’s so good to see you! And you look so much better, the droids must have really fixed you up!” she babbled, mixing words with his.  
“REY! Galaxies above I’m so glad you’re here! I woke up and you were gone, and I thought for sure that Ren had killed you or something, but no! You’re a flipping Jedi! I knew you were special! Ugh, this is great! Poe’s going to be so happy to see you!” Both of them were shouting and hugging each other, and everyone stopped to stare and laugh.  
One of the watching pilots nudged his comrades. “10 credits Dameron adopts this one.” The other scoffed.  
“Your on, pal.”  
“So where are you staying, Finn? I’m bunking with you, right?”  
Finn scoffed.  
“Of course! Honestly, where else would you sleep? Though. I uh.” He blushed, looking down at his feet. “I… may have another roommate? Also?”  
Rey grinned and shoved his shoulder. “I’m gone three months and you went and got someone! Who is it?”  
Finn looked relieved. “Poe. Poe Dameron. The pilot I told you about. He’s so excited to meet you! This is gonna be fantastic, let’s go find him!”  
A few hours later, the three of them were well acquainted, and 10 credits were begrudgingly exchanged. Curled up together in Poe’s bunk, Rey thought privately that it was nice to have people to touch, now that she got the chance.  
Even if Finn snored.  
Yawning, Rey left to wander the halls for a bit, and familiarize herself with the base.  
“FINALLY! Ugh, I thought you were never gonna leave those losers alone. REY! GUESS WHAT!”  
Groaning, Rey banged her forehead against the side of the hall. “Of course.”She muttered. “Of course, the very moment I feel relaxed, you clue in to FUCKING RUIN IT. GO THE HELL AWAY, REN.” She felt his offense and prepared herself for the worst.  
“Relaxed? How can you feel relaxed with those two…traitors all over you! I knew Poe Dameron when he was a kid, Rey! He was a total dork! I am way cooler!”  
“Are you fucking jealous? Seriously? This is a new low.”  
“LISTEN REY! You can do better is all I’m saying! FN-2187 was a janitor. I’m a fucking Master of the Force! I’m clearly the better choice here!”  
“His name is Finn.”  
“Gesundheit.”  
“Sweet stars above, you are jealous. That is. Wow. No.”  
“LOOK! ALL I’M SAYING, IS IF YOU HAVE TO GET ALL TOUCHY WITH SOMEONE, WHY NOT ME? Seriously! I could teach you so much if you just joined the Dark Side! Like, I give the best hugs ok! Just trust me on this!”  
“Please go away?”  
“And Poe Dameron? I grew up with him. My hair is WAY better. And also, he totally kissed a tree once. I saw it. It was weird.”  
“I will literally pay you to leave me alone. And your hair isn’t better than Poe’s.”  
“I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT MY HAIR IS STYLED TO PERFECTION EVERY MORNING. TO INTIMIDATE. I HAVE THE GLORIOUS MANE OF A LION!”  
“Yeah, sure. Whatever you say. Bitchbaby.”  
“WHO TOLD YOU TO CALL ME THAT? WAS IT POE? I SWEAR I WILL END HIM” It had been Hux, actually. But Rey wasn’t about to let Kylo Ren know about their secret alliance.  
“Look Rey! Think about it! Our babies would be so much cuter! And strong in the Force! Just… why does a fucking TRAITOROUS STORM TROOPER make you so goddamn chipper? I could feel it all the way from here” he groused. Rey felt a great amount of sorrow.  
How pitiful. Was he crying?  
“Goddamit, Kylo. Would you take your drunk ass and cry to someone else for once?” He only got more pathetic. Hux was getting a very detailed report of this encounter.  
Still. Rey was a Jedi, and Jedi showed mercy. Frustratingly. With a sigh, she decided to let him know.  
“You realize Finn and Poe are a couple, right? As in, together forever? Seriously. I’m not a fucking home wrecker.”  
“You’re a heart wrecker,” he mumbled. Rey rolled her eyes. Force give me strength. This is my destined foe.  
“I love them both, and I’m sure they love me too, but it’s different. So whatever weird fantasy you have, forget it.” She felt him brighten.  
“Good.” Rey felt his smugness return, like the familiar scratch of a bug bite that won’t fucking heal. Time to stick a pin in that.  
“At least, not until they officially invite me of course. Then all bets are off the table. Have you seen Poe Dameron fly? He’s fantastic! And Finn? Oh yes. All I need is a fucking green light.” She snapped the connection before he could respond, trusting he would be too drunk to remember that Jedi vow to abstain from passion.  
Hundreds of light years away, a garbled voice rent through the silence of the stars.  
“FUCKING POE DAMERON!”  
It was some of the girl’s better work, General Hux noted, as he penned down the reactionary tantrum that followed. He was sure she would be pleased to know he destroyed his own bed in a rage.  
Slipping back into her room, Rey climbed up into the top bunk to avoid the two love birds absently nuzzling, even mostly asleep. She really did love them, she admitted to herself, as fiercely as the stars and sandstorms of Jakku. But it wasn’t whatever Kylo Ren was thinking of. If the bastard was thinking at all. Rolling over, she closed her eyes and lost herself in the sounds of their breathing. It was the most at peace she had felt in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Platonic jedistormpilot? af  
> Nonplatonic stormpilot? af  
> Jealous Kylo? af  
> ot3 bro  
> Hux has a youtube channel of all Kylo's best tantrums.


	5. Sith Aren't the Only Ones with Alcohol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey enjoys her vacation a bit too much, and General Hux gets enough snipe material to last him for years. Also Poe Dameron is a sucker and Finn gets some of his own back.   
> Oh yeah, and Luke Skywalker shows up.

The fun thing about being on vacation in a place with actual civilization, Rey realized, was that there was actual civilization. Sure, she still meditated for an hour everyday so Luke would be happy (the bastard), but there were more people and functioning tech here than she could really remember ever being around in her life. Also, to her pleasure, significantly more alcohol.

“Finn. Finn, listen to me, man. I gotta. I gotta plan.”She sat slumped against Poe, passing the bottle of unidentifiable green liquid to the former stormtrooper. Poe shifted to allow better access to his shoulder, huffing humorously. He was the only one who could loosely be called sober, and quite frankly he was finding them both hilarious. 

“What is it Rey?” Finn asked, eyes wide from their place in her lap.

“Shhhuhshushush. Listen. I just. I fuckin’ hate Kylo Ren. So damn much.”

Both of them nodded loosely, confirming the mutual detestation of him.

“And he just. He just. Won’t shut up. In my head. Never. So I was thinkin’. Woah. What if. What if we went and like. Totally fucked with him.”

Finns delighted gasp made her grin. Poe, on the other hand didn’t look convinced.

“I know this guy. We’ve been writing. And. I’m pretty sure he’ll sneak us in if it’ll piss off Ren.” 

Poe was still skeptical. ”I don’t know, guys. That’s. Really fuckin’ dangerous.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “Yeah, but. You’re. You’re the best goddamn pilot ever. You could keep us safe and fly us there!”.

Poe Dameron at his sharpest was reckless and susceptible to praise. Tipsy Poe Dameron covered in attractive people who loved him was an absolute fucking train-wreck waiting to happen.

“Let’s fuckin’ do it.”

*one drunken yet stealthy x-wing flight later*

General Hux looked at his comm. An obviously intoxicated Rey grinned at him.

“General!” she slurred. “Hi! Let us in, ok? We’re not here to kill you, I promise.”

Hux rolled his eyes. “I doubt you could kill anyone in your current state. However, you forget that you are an enemy to the First Order, and as amusingly pleasant as our current correspondence has been, it would be a great neglect of my duty to lower the shields and allow you on board for no other reason than a mere chat. Especially considering you have in your companionship a traitor and one the best resistance fighters you have.”

“Wow that was a lot of big words. You’re really fancy, y’know that?”

Hux sighed.

“Look. Looklooklooklooklook. We’re not just here to say hi, ok?” Rey could sense his curiosity peaking.

“We’re also here to FUCK WITH KYLO REN!” the x-wing filled with cheers.

Hux paused, and looked around the bridge. No one here was a snitch.

“Well, in that case.”

The shields were lowered. The x-wing docked, and three passengers stumbled out to complete their mission. They snuck to Kylo Ren’s chambers, satisfied that Hux was distracting him somewhere else. Their work began.

Poe was the one with the spray paint, muttering under his breath as he tagged the walls with the symbol of the Resistance, and the occasional insult.

Finn moved everything in the room 3 inches the the left. The other two stopped to look at him for a moment.

“Finn, you’re not gonna wreck it or anything?”

“Poe, I used to do sanitation. I’ve had to clean up after this guys’ tantrums for years. This is personal.”

Poe shrugged and went back to tagging the walls. Rey put glitter in all of his hair care products and hid his hair brush before going after Kylo’s true weakness. His wardrobe.

“Crop tops are in,” she muttered, pulling out a pair of scissors, “and capes look fucking stupid.”

They finished quickly and left, Rey pressing a drunken kiss to Hux’s cheek on the way out. He smirked cruelly, deciding to mention it explicitly to Ren later.

Two hours later the three culprits huddled on the bed to watch as Hux updated the holo-vid.

“Fucking fantastic!” Poe whispered, enraptured by the carnage. Finn nodded, leaning on him.

“Bet he doesn’t try to talk to me now,” Rey muttered, smug. She scrolled down to like the video. To her surprise a comment had already been left.

DesertPilot says: Truly an impressive display. Wish I could have seen it in person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unknown to Kylo Ren, this was the founding of a glorious holiday for the First Order. Stormtroopers and Officers alike celebrate Rampage Day every year, but no one holds it as dearly in their heart as General Hux. It has another name as well. Fuck Kylo Ren Day is trending on Stormtrooper social media. There are T-Shirts. And yes, that was Luke Skywalker.


	6. Rey Discovers Kylo's Been Swimming in a River in Egypt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn is allowed to cry, dammit, Rey goes home with a bit more than she expected, Luke is vague and mysterious, and Kylo wants Rey to Just Say No.

Everything comes to an end, unfortunately, and as sad as she was to leave her best buddies behind, she still had a lot of cho-training. A lot of training to do. So with a heavy heart and many tears (”Shut up, Rey! Stormtroopers can have emotions, too! Even former ones!”), Rey finally set off to return to the Island of Luke Time-waster. Not before she received a present, however. 

“Here. You’re from Jakku, you must be freezing on that planet all the time. It’ll keep you warm!” 

It was a beat up leather jacket with some obvious repairs up the spine. It was much too big on her, smelled like sweat and engine grease, and was heavy as hell.

Rey loved it. 

It was the first gift Rey had ever willingly received in her life. The lightsaber didn’t count, as it had led to a serious clusterfuck of weird, and Kylo Ren deciding she should join the Dark Side.

Finn blushed while Poe shrugged, slinging an arm over his shoulders. 

“Hey, it kept our pal here safe while he was gone, but I’m here to do that now. So maybe the good luck will rub off on you, right?”

Rey had been wrong before. 

This was the biggest hug she had even given in her life.

Climbing on board the Falcon, she watched them wave as she flew away. It was nice, she thought, to have someone to come back to for once.

Luke was waiting for her on the cliff, as usual.

“Have you been standing there like that since I left? I honestly can’t tell. You haven’t moved at all.”

He smiled in that vague, all knowing Jedi way of his and said nothing. Rey rolled her eyes and went to unpack her things. She was pretty sure her Master had been cultivating a funny kind of leaf. It would certainly explain his weird behavior. And why the incense smelled so strange.

Finally unpacked, she closed her eyes to rest.

“REY!”

The young padawan let out a choked sob. Just once, just fucking ONCE she’d like to have a nice, normal day without Kylo Ren fucking it up with his drunk ass.

“Look Rey, after the Incident, I did a lot of thinking, and I decided, I am never talking to you again.”

Could it be? Had her fondest wish and dream been realized? Thanks be to the Force! A small tear of pure joy trickled down her face.

“Ok, ok, I was just kidding Rey! No need to get all sappy. I knew you missed me!”

“Why. WHY WON’T YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?” Rey buried her head in her pillow.

“Look, I know what happened. You were under peer pressure!”

“It was literally my idea.”

“I understand, after all, spending all that time with the traitor? And that no good Poe Dameron? Of course something silly like this happened!”

“I had to convince Poe to fly us, he thought it was a bad idea.”

“And clearly that damnable FN-2187 knew some way to sneak you past the shields.”

“OK, his name is Finn, and we were let in. Because everyone hates you.”

“Shhhh, Rey. It’s ok. I forgive you. It’s all Poe Dameron’s fault. He has corrupted you both with his charming demeanor, and his good looks, and slick pilot skills. And his hair that isn’t as good as mine.”

“Wow. You’re much drunker than usual.”

“He probably put all that glitter in my hair stuff and hid my brush because he was jealous.”

“Nope, that was me, too!”

“It’s ok, you don’t have to lie for him. I admire your loyalty.”

“Fuck off, Kylo.”

“Look, just. Listen Rey. Listen. I forgive you, I totally do. Water under the bridge or whatever, but. Look. None of that’s important now. I just. I have a fucking question for you.”

Rey sighed and looked to the ceiling of the temple for any guidance from those that came before her. There was none.

“What.”

“Did. Did you REALLY kiss General Hux? HUX?”

Rey squinted. The evening was hazy, but she thought she remembered kissing someone’s cheek.

“Uh. Yeah? I think so?”

“REY! HOW COULD YOU? IT’S HUX! HE’S TERRIBLE, REY! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE SAYING IS AROUND HERE, REY? HUX SUX! EVERYONE THINKS THAT, REY!”

“Actually, from what I’ve heard Hux is pretty popular with the troopers. Might have something to do with actually respecting his subordinates and not throwing a FUCKING TANTRUM every two seconds!”

“WELL I CAN’T HELP IT IF HE WON’T LISTEN TO ME ABOUT USING CLONES! Vader used clones, Rey! Clones are the way to go!”

Groaning, Rey closed her eyes.

“Kylo, when you wear that helmet, do you ever hear a strange buzzing?”

She sensed his curiosity at the subject change.

“Yeah, I guess so, why?”

“It’s flies. They’re attracted to you because you’re FULL OF SHIT!” She slammed the link closed before punching her pillow. A sound came from the next room over. Luke was chuckling for some reason.

“Master?”

Luke grinned at her. 

“Flies. Full of shit. hat was a good one, my young padawan. Not as good as your work with his wardrobe, however. Quite merciless of you, Rey. I should probably reprimand you for it, but. I admit I do not feel generously towards my nephew.”

Rey was shocked. “You mean to tell me that, this whole time, you knew?”

Luke looked at her sternly. “Of course I knew. You two were broadcasting all over the Force! And I’m your Master. It’s my job to know. Now come sit and meditate with me.”

Rey sat next to him wordlessly, still reeling from the realization.

“Besides,” Luke said companionably, “Captain Phasma and I are friends on Spacebook.”

Rey tried to let it sink in, pulling the jacket tighter around her in an attempt to keep anymore strangeness from getting into her life.

It didn’t work, but for a while, she had to admit, she felt pretty damn good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should know that Hux sent her a Rampage Day, also known as Fuck Kylo Ren day, t-shirt. At her request he sent another for Luke.  
> Poe cried later, when none of his pilots could see him. Finn was luckily there to kiss it better.  
> Hux Sux is the name of the playlist Kylo listens to when Hux has hurt his feelings. So everyday. The Sound of Silence is on it.  
> What? No, I totally didn't set up the entire chapter just so I could make a pun about facebook.  
> Ok yes I did.  
> in other news, i have a tumblr. where i post this. usually before it comes here. wink wink nudge nudge


	7. General Hux Makes His Own Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brief glimpse into the life of General Hux, and the return of Spacebook

General Hux’s life was built around routine. He had an extremely large ship to run, and he ran it tightly and efficiently. Hux worked to ensure the glory of the First Order, and retained under even remarkable pressure dignity, poise, and grace with a certain ruthlessness that had carried him straight to the top. Hux was the epitome of what the First Order was working to create.

General Hux had made sacrifices, had done terrible things. He put himself through a lot to get to where he was, and he refused to let anyone stop him. He was proud of where he stood, proud of his ship, proud of (most) of his troops. Honestly, there was really only one thing in his routine that snagged.

Kylo Fucking Ren.

There were not enough words to describe his utter detestation of the man. Ren was one of the only things that could truly get well and under Hux’s skin.

And boy, had he ever.

Like a splinter. A really painfully annoying splinter that was just useful enough for him to not jettison him into space “on accident” and blame it on a storm trooper. 

But unfortunately, Hux had yet to truly find a weakness in the man, a way to needle him back. 

Until that fateful letter. 

Hux had been surprised, both by the letter and it’s contents. As a gentlemen, he of course felt obligated to respond to a handwritten sentiment (even if the handwriting was terrible, and the spelling atrocious. What could one expect of a lady raised as a scavenger on Jakku? Honestly he was surprised she could read and write at all), and the accompanying fruit basket had been pleasantly tasteful. 

But the real joy came when he told that insufferable Ren what had happened. The prat had apparently taken to contacting her while intoxicated. A better man would cut him off, but Hux had never claimed to be a good man. Just a devious one. 

Honestly, he couldn’t be sure what had sparked him to tell her about the magnificent recklessness of the rage that followed in such detail, but the general would never regret it. The correspondence that followed was simply too amusing, and relatively harmless in the scheme of things. It wasn’t fraternizing with the enemy, really. It was more… a unique alliance against a common foe. And if a touch more alcohol found it’s way to the fucker’s room than usual, well. 

He had to amuse himself somehow.

Besides, ever since he’d started that blog about his tantrums, Hux’s Spacebook had been blowing up. It was not just him, it seemed, that was frustrated with Kylo Ren’s bitchfits.

It was a good thing Supreme Leader Snoke wasn’t into social media.

Letting them on the ship had been risky, he admitted, but it had payed off in a big way. His video was trending, and he couldn’t let his followers down. 

Walking into the bridge that morning, a younger officer came up to him, pressing a small envelope into his hands.

“Another message from the informant, sir.” Hux nodded, dismissing him.

He opened the letter with a small grin, and read the one line with an amused huff.

‘What the hell is he drinking, anyway?’

He stepped into his office, and with a flourish, quickly penned the response. It didn’t take long.

‘Everything.’

Passing it off to a cadet, the general instructed it be sent to his informant and marched briskly back to the bridge, a plan springing quickly to his mind.

“Inform the Imperial Marching Band they are to practice the First Order’s Anthem outside Kylo Ren’s chambers immediately, for his listening pleasure. It is to my understanding that he will have a bit of a sore head today, but I’m sure Ren will be pleased to hear the anthem of his regime played gustily.”

A lieutenant spoke up nervously.

“Sir. It’s four in the morning.”

Hux raised an eyebrow. “I am aware of that.”

“Yes sir,” she mumbled, wincing already.

“And Lieutenant?”

“Yes, General?” 

“Instruct them to put emphasis on the brass and percussion portions. Really make them pop.” 

She gulped and rushed off.

Teach the prat not to get so hungover on a military vessel.

Hux looked out into the expanse of the stars, taking slow sips of his coffee (black, two sugars, unlike Ren’s ungodly sweet concoctions). From far off, he could here Kylo Ren screaming in rage.

Hux let a smile touch his lips as the galaxy swept past him.

It was going to be a beautiful day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few quick facts.  
> There is a Starbucks on board.  
> Kylo Ren always orders the sweetest, most complicated shit. Every morning. Without fail.  
> And every morning, without fail, they spell his name wrong.  
> Kyle Ben is a valued Starbucks customer.  
> And yes, Kylo got to name the marching band.  
> Fuckin' nerd.


	8. Rey Has a Heart to Heart With a Reformed Douchebag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin has to put up with a lot. He deserves it, though. Also, rain can be nice in small amounts.  
> Kylo's not in this one much, and everyone still hates him.

Since leaving Jakku, Rey had learned and seen all sorts of things. Stuff she had never imagined or believed. 

The Jedi were real. She had the Force. Green places existed. There was more to life than scavenging and fighting for every scrap of food and sip of water. Stormtroopers could be good. 

But the one thing Rey hadn’t truly been prepared for was rain.

Thunder and lightning were common enough on Jakku, when it was humid, but rain was extremely rare and incredibly precious.Here, though, next to the ocean, it rained all the time. Rey could hardly believe it. Gallons upon gallons of the most vital resource, falling from the sky and soaking deep into the earth, rinsing everything on it’s way.

Rey danced in the waters, tasting it on her tongue, and she had never felt so clean.

The first time she saw it, she had tried to catch it in a bucket to save. Luke had stopped her, saying it was a common occurrence, and unnecessary. Rey hadn’t believed him. He seemed to understand.

Now though, it had been months, and while she would never get over how water just fell from the fucking sky here, she could certainly get sick of it.

For example, when it had been storming.

For three fucking days.

Like training hadn’t been bad enough when she could go outside. The temple was flooded and she and Luke were confined to the top floors. While Rey respected her Master and enjoyed her time with him (somewhat sort of not really), spending three days in the same few rooms with the man had been hellish.

She tried to pass the time, but after counting all the stones and imagining faces in the moss that grew here and there in patches, three times each, she was growing incredibly bored. 

Plus all the cloud cover in the electrical storm was screwing with her wifi, so she couldn’t even Spacetime Finn and Poe to whine to them.

Which was fucking bullshit, in her opinion.

Left with nothing else to do, she released a breathe and attempted to meditate the hours away. Luke had gone into a trance like state a few hours after the wifi went down, grumbling something about Moisture Farmville, and if he could get through this in an altered state of consciousness, then goddammit, so could Rey.

Closing her eyes, the padawan brushed the small braid behind her ear and concentrated her focus. Rey was used to activity, to moving around and working hard. Sitting still was a strange sensation, and she didn’t always like it. Today, however, with the rain rushing down and cool air flowing, it was easy. With a sigh, she slipped into the hypnotic flow of the Force.

She could feel everything. Leia standing tall, giving orders and managing her grief, every inch the General, every inch the Princess. The young jedi brushed against her, offering condolence and warmth. Leia brushed back with pride and support. Rey didn’t remember her mother, but hopes she was like her. 

Luke in the next room, effortlessly becoming one with the temple and the island and the people of the universe. He was talking to someone, a glowing man with a beard. Rey wasn’t about to push.

Poe, ever so slightly sensitive to the Force, sending back enthusiasm and love. 

Finn, sensitive as a non-force sensitive rock, but comforting in the fact that he was there, and alright. 

Maz, always aware of everything around her.

On the far reaches, she felt a flaming hungry presence, desperately calling out for attention. Kylo Ren.

Fuck that guy, she didn’t need his bullshit today.

Turning inwards, Rey felt herself tuning into the island and the spirit of the place.

Or should she say spirits.

They appeared all around her, those who had become one with the Force before her. Glowing faces with advice and stories.

Today one in particular stood out to her, calling for her attention in a not unfamiliar way.

He was tall, with long hair and a scar down his face. Huh. Now who did that remind her of?

“Hello, Rey.”

“Uh. Hi?” Clearly she was a master of eloquence.

“Do you know who I am?”

“A drama queen?”

“What? No. Look, my name is Anakin. Anakin Skywalker. Does that mean anything to you?”

“Not really. I kinda grew up on a remote desert planet forced to do hard manual labor for as long as I can remember.”

“Oh shit no kidding? Same here. I hate desert planets, they’re the worst. Just. Fucking sand. Everywhere. It’s awful. Sand is awful. It’s coarse and r- wait, you don’t know who I am?”

“Nah, but I feel you on the sand. I had fun with it though. I would slide down the sand dunes, and-”

“Yeah, that’s great. You seriously don’t know the name Anakin Skywalker?”

“Nope.”

The man sighed, disappointedly.

“My son’s a moron. Look, do you know who Darth Vader is?”

“Are you kidding? I have Kylo Ren ranting about how cool he is all the goddamn time. He was an asshole, and a total psychopath with some evil plan to take over the galaxy.”

Anakin raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, shit!”

“That’s fair. Look, I’ve been watching you train. You’re incredibly strong in the Force.”

Rey squinted suspiciously. This sounded incredibly familiar.

“You have amazing potential, and you could become someone great.”

Where had she heard this before? Oh, right. Kylo fucking Ren.

“Ok hold up. Are you about to try to make me your padawan and turn me to the Dark Side?”

Anakin’s face became horrified and he shook his head.

“What? Fuck no! I was just going to tell you to train hard and absolutely do NOT join the Dark Side! You will never live it down Rey. Even if, by some miracle, you get last minute redemption in your dying breaths, you still won’t live it down. All you’ll get is an eternity of your former master making fun of you because they named your grandson after HIM instead, and calling you on your shit, and the ghosts of all the Jedi you killed hanging around awkwardly. No one holds grudges like dead six-year-olds, Rey. No one.”

“Well, I mean, that’s great and all, but I wasn’t going to do that anyway.”

He nodded sagely.

“That’s what I said, but then a creepy old man seduced me.”

“What the fuck. I mean, I'm not one to judge, but-”

“Not like that, dammit! He promised me power!”

“Huh. You know, that is exactly what happened to your grandson? Your family has a problem. A creepy old man problem.” 

Anakin winced.

“I know. That’s why I decided to warn you. We have a lot in common, you and I. The whole desert thing, the camaraderie with droids, the power, the piloting skills…”

“Holy shit. Ren is gonna be so fucking pissed when he finds out. It’s gonna be great.”

“Yeah, about that. Sorry my grandson’s an asshole. Kinda runs in the family. Look, if you ever want pointers, someone to talk to…” he shrugged awkwardly.

“You really suck at this.”

“I know.”

“I’ll keep it in mind.”

He nodded and faded away as Rey came back into herself. The rain had finally stopped. Luke looked at her, proud.

“You’ve come very far, padawan. That is the most focused I have yet to see you.”

Rey grinned, proud of herself.

“The wifi’s back on. Take the rest of the day off, talk to your friends. Oh, and I sent you a game request…”

Rey rolled her eyes.

“Yes, Master, I will help you out on Moisture Farmville.”

“Groovy.”

Peace settled upon the temple as two spirits watched.

“I’ve got a good feeling about this one.”

“You said that about Ben, Obi-Wan.”

“Yes, well, with my name, I had high hopes for the lad. Figures your DNA would go and cock it all up, doesn’t it?”

“OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN!”

“LOOK AT MY GRANDSON, YOU SAID. HE REMINDS ME OF MYSELF, YOU SAID. WELL YOU WEREN’T FUCKING WRONG, WERE YOU?”

Somewhere in space, prowling through the halls beneath a black mask, Kylo Ren sneezed, his ears burning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the younglings never forgave, and they never forgot.  
> Luke was talking to Obi Wan, by the way. He didn't really notice who his Padawan was talking to.  
> A+ master training there, Luke.  
> Also, everyone needs to stop using the word seduced all the time. It's mad creepy.


	9. Oh Shit Rey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets are dragged to light, Kylo Ren is not, and Hux goes into hiding  
> Also Rey ruminates on handwriting

Things had been going remarkably well. In hindsight, that should have been her first clue. 

It was a nice day, Rey thought absently. If she had to pick any day for it to happen, it might as well be this one. The sky was clear and beautiful, the breeze was pleasantly cool, the ocean surrounded her with it’s infinite beauty and wealth of life. 

With a deep sigh, she looked back down at the paper in her hand, two words written in elegant script. Honestly, had Hux gotten training in how to write? Was that a thing people could do? It almost completely overshadowed the horror of the words themselves.

He knows.

Rey didn’t need to ask who knew what. Kylo Ren had finally found out about their secret correspondence. She had received the message two hours ago, and had been gathering strength since then. After all, it was only a matter of time until-

“REY WHAT THE FUCK?”

And there he was. Right on schedule, the drunken fuckwad.

“HUX? HUX? REALLY, REY?”

“What about him.”

“You’ve been…You’ve been fucking conspiring against me! CONSPIRATORS! WITH YOUR, YOUR GODDAMN CONSPIRATIONS!”

“I don’t think conspirations is a word.”

“SHUT UP REY YOU TRAITOR! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN FN-2187 WAS ONLY THE BEGINNING! YOU TURNED MY GODDAMN GENERAL AGAINST ME! Curse you, devil woman! You seduced him with fruit baskets!”

“Hold the fuck up! I seduced no one, he ALWAYS hated you, you prick!”

Honestly if anyone was seduced it was Rey. Seduced by the goddamn fancy handwriting. You couldn’t say no to an alliance with handwriting like that.

“What are you even saying, Rey! I am a respected and feared member of this ship!”

“Bitch please. The only thing they fear is your little temper tantrums. You don’t even kill your underlings! Your oh so precious Darth Vader killed his underlings!”

He paused, sensing momentarily the truth in her words before shaking off the sobriety and plunging on chaotically.

“SEE THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD JOIN THE DARK SIDE! You’re so fucking smart! We could rule the galaxy, Rey! And Hux could go cry about it in his diary like a sissy because we’ll be the best team ever and you like me way better! And Captain Phasma can be the Maid of Honor at our we- initiation ceremony! Initiation ceremonies have maids of honor. And bouquets. And also pretty dresses. You have to wear a pretty dress to it, Rey.”

The padawan sighed.

“For the last goddamn time, Ren, I’m not joining the fucking Dark Side. Light side forever. Oh, and speaking of Darth Vader?”

“Yeah, what do you want to know? I know literally everything about him Rey. Everything. I have a picture of him hanging over my bed to inspire me.”

“Right, that’s creepy. So creepy. Also he thinks you’re an asshole. And he says we have a lot in common.”

“What. You don’t know what you’re talking ab-”

“Nope pretty sure I do actually. His glowy ghosty form talks to me. We chill. Talk about you. We both think you’re a dick. Also he says I should definitely absolutely never join the Dark Side. So. Fuck you, you can suck it. Also if anyone’s going to be the Maid of Honor at my “initiation ceremony”, it’s gonna be Finn. And I don’t do pretty dresses. That’s your thing.”

She felt a strange mix of shock, outrage and grief. Had she finally, after all this time rendered him speechless?

“IT IS A ROBE!” 

Apparently not.

“Sure. And eyeliner isn’t make up.”

“It’s strategic!”

“Sure it is. Look, I have more important things to do. Wash the Falcon, meditate, talk to the ghost of your grandfather and idol who called you an asshole…Laters!”

The Jedi went inside to get a bucket and sponge, leaving Kylo to his drunken ranting. Rey really did have to clean the Falcon. She had lost a bet with Chewie.

Turns out she couldn’t make Ren shut up for more than thirty seconds.

Obi Wan nodded wisely.

“This one’s my favorite.”

Anakin agreed.

*meanwhile, in space*

Hux crouched with as much dignity as he could beneath Captain Phasma’s desk. Kylo would never think to look here, he knew. The General penned out a quick note. 

‘Safe for now. This has been the best moment of all. Thank you.’

He handed it to an exasperated Phasma. 

“Honestly,” she muttered, “Luke had better thank me for this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hux took a calligraphy class. Of course he uses it for evil  
> Phasma has to put up with a lot of shit  
> Chewbacca stops by the island once a week with supplies and gossip  
> Finn would be the best maid of honor, and Poe would make a great bridesmaid  
> Kylo is actually the one with the angsty diary, and after this he plays his Hux Sux playlist on repeat over the loudspeaker systems for days  
> Darth Vader thinks you're a dick, Kylo


	10. A Bittersweet Reunion and Also Nail Polish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke and Rey take a trip, and General Hux takes a break.

Rey stretched her limbs in the sun, cooling down after the saber drills. For a seemingly old man, Master Luke was surprisingly spry.

“Rey”

“Yes, Master Luke?”

“When you are finished stretching, pack your things. We will be traveling soon.”

She stopped, surprised. 

“Where are we going, Master?” 

Luke sighed, his entire form seeming to show his age. 

“It is time I visited my sister.” 

Rey tried her best to contain her excitement, but she couldn’t help grinning as she completed her exercises. Running to her room, the padawan packed quickly. It was not as though she had much to take, anyways. Signing in to her Spacebook, she left a quick message.

‘Heading home! See you guys soon!’

*a relatively short flight later*

Luke and Rey stepped off the ship, pausing dramatically for effect. Dramatic posturing was apparently a very important part of Jedi training, or so Luke had told her. The girl had doubts, but Anakin had confirmed that the right pose was everything.

Obi Wan had chipped in that it was important to have the high ground, and then they had started to bicker about something or other.

Force Ghosts. Who could say what was happening in their strange minds.

As a small crowd approached, Rey was brought back to reality. At it’s head was Leia, with a look of sorrow and hope and joy all mixed into one. Then her face became a mask, staring at her brother.

She strode forward.

Luke winced and tried to speak.

“Leia, I-”

She slapped him hard across the face. 

Luke’s eyes filled with sorrow and resignation. With a small smile, Leia drew him in for a hug.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“I know,” she replied.

They both chuckled for a moment, caught up in some joke she didn’t understand. Leia looked at Rey.

“It’s good to see you again, Rey. I won’t keep you. Luke and I have things to discuss, and I understand that there are a few people excited to see you again.” 

Before Rey could say anything, she was swept up by Finn, who twirled her around, laughing.

“Rey! You’re back! Aw, man, I missed you so much!” 

Rolling her eyes, the girl shoved at his shoulders.

“Yes, yes, I missed you, too. Now let go of me, you silly nerf-herder!”

“Harsh,” chuckled a familiar voice from behind. “C’mon, Finn, put the scary lady down.”

The former stormtrooper did as he was told. Rey laughed, a bit dizzy, only to immediately be swept into a bear hug by Poe. 

“Ugh, you two are worse than stranglethorn vines.” 

“You love us,” Poe hummed into her hair.

Sighing, she let herself smile before hugging him back.

“I do. Stars help me.” 

Finn bowled into both of them excitedly.

“C’mon, guys! We have to go! We have a lot to catch up on!”

Grinning, the three ran to the base, chattering gleefully. Two pairs of old eyes watched them, remembering times behind.

“You know, I remember Poe Dameron being more serious.”

Leia chuckled.

“Yes, well, he’s allowed his cheer. It seems he’s not the only one who could use some frivolity.”

Luke smiled softly. “I’ve missed you, Leia.”

“I’m not the one who ran away.”

“Now, look here, sister, running away into exile after your apprentice is seduced by the Dark Side is a time honored Jedi tradition! Both of my Masters did it, ad we all turned out fine!”

“Aren’t they both dead?”

“THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT!”

*meanwhile*

“And that’s how I made Kylo cry!”

“Wow!” breathed Finn, star struck at the thought of it.

“Wish I coulda been there,” Poe muttered enviously.

“Yeah. The downside is, now Hux is in hiding. He stays under Captain Phasma’s desk mostly, if his blog is anything to go by.”

Finn nodded sagely. “If I had to hide from anyone, I would definitely go for Phasma’s desk.”

Poe hummed thoughtfully. “Isn’t Hux the ginger guy who snuck us on the ship that one time?”

Rey nodded, concentrating on her task. She needed her hands to be steady for this. “Yup. Hey speaking of Phasma, did you know she and Master Luke are Spacebook friends?” 

Finn jerked, looking at her in shock. “No way!”

The girl grinned. “Yeah! Turns out they mostly did it because they needed buddies for game requests. You know, Moisture Farmville, Bantha Crush, that kinda thing.”

Finn pulled a face. “Ugh, Moisture Farmville? Lame. Who even plays that but old people?”

Rey shrugged, focusing harder.

“I’m more of an Angry Droids person, myself!” Poe chimed in, trying not to move too much. Finn hummed, watching the two.

“There!” Rey exclaimed, recapping the nail polish vial. The pilot’s fingers were tipped in a glittering gold. He hummed approvingly.

“Brings out your eyes,” Finn remarked.

“Glad you like it. Now what color do you want?” Rey sorted through the box sitting next to her while Poe admired his new manicure.

“Blue.”

*meanwhile, in space*

General Hux sat next to the desk, paperwork spread out on the floor in front of him and coffee in his hand. It was Day 13 since “the incident”, and while he had left Phasma’s office periodically, he never stayed out for too long. Kylo was apparently still angry, the prick.

He couldn’t bring himself to feel sorry. Especially since his blog was now more popular than ever. He had garnered massive support, and Kylo Ren was fast becoming the most terrifying, expensive running joke in the galaxy.

“Thank you, again, for granting me harbor Captain.”

Phasma sighed from her desk before making a dismissive gesture with her hand.

“Yes, well, you keep the morale up. Besides, as long as you keep those lives on Bantha Crush coming, we won’t have a problem. I’m stuck on a hard level.”

General Hux nodded and returned to the expense reports. Another control board would have to be replaced.

Fucking Kylo Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finn wanted blue to match the lightsaber because he is a huge dork.  
> That nail-polish scene actually has a back story, believe it or not. I'll include it when i make the deleted scenes like I promised.  
> There will come a day when General Hux is able to leave the sanctuary of Phasma's office for more than a few hours.  
> But today is not that day.  
> also, holy shit you guys really like this. wow. thank you. all i need is fan art and i can officially say i am internet famous.  
> thank you all. all of you. thank you for enjoying this garbage.


	11. The Plot Thickens. It Turns Out We Have a Plot!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia makes a request, Anakin give some solid life advice for a dead guy, and Hux makes a mistake.  
> Evil Space Mom just wants what best for her children! Uh, she means, Stormtroopers!

Rey took a deep breath before walking into the room. General Leia had called for her, and the messenger hadn’t been able to explain what she wanted. Master Luke was there, too. They looked at her expectantly, twin gazes of concern and pride. To Rey’s discomfort, the Jedi seemed agitated.

“You asked for me?”

Leia smiled. “We did. Luke tells me you’ve come very far in your training. You clearly have a natural gift.”

Rey blushed, flustered by the praise. However, the warm glow of pride soon faded into suspicion.

“Thank you,” she said warily.

“He also tells me,” Leia licked her lips nervously, the only sign of tension in her body language, “That you’ve been talking to my son.”

Ah. So that’s what this was about.

“More like yelling at your son, to be honest.” Luke grinned slightly.

“Yes, but he has contacted you? He speaks to you? Listens?” 

Rey rolled her eyes.

“I would hardly say he listens to me. Bitches and moans and flirts obstinately, more like.” 

Leia sighed and shook her head. “Just like his father. The men in this family are terrible with women. He must like you.” Rey grimaced in response.

“Apparently.”

Leia nodded firmly to herself. “That settles it.”

Luke began to protest. “Leia, I will not-”

“ NO. Listen to me, brother. This is my only chance to get my son back, and finally give you a reason to shave that depression beard! Ben listens to Rey! Han is gone now, but this? This is my last chance to have my fucking family back!”

Rey didn’t like where this was going.

“I don’t like where this is going.”

Leia looked at her. “Please, Rey. Reach out to him! Show him that the light side of the Force is truly his path!”

Rey winced, unsure. “I’m sorry, General, I just don’t know if I can…”

Leia gazed soulfully at her, eyes wide and tearful.

“Please, help me Rey! You’re my only hope!”

Well, god fucking dammit. What do you know. Leia got the Skywalker puppy eyes, too. Luke groaned.

“Hook, line, and sinker,” he muttered.

“I…I need to meditate on this,” Rey said briskly, and rushed out of the room before anyone could oppose.

“I can’t believe you still use that line,” Luke remarked.

“Shut up, Luke. It gets results. Worked on you, didn’t it?”

Luke sighed again. He missed his island. And his weed.

*outside the base*

Rey climbed higher into the trees, looking for a clearing to meditate. Finally, she came across an open spot and sat down to breathe. After a few moment, she was able to connect with him. The one she could always count on to be there for her.

Mostly because he was fucking dead.

“What’s up, sunshine?” Anakin appeared next to her, bumping her shoulder.

“Your daughter wants me to seduce your grandson back to the Light side. After he was seduced to the Dark side. Like. Re-seduce him. Un-seduce him? I don’t know. It’s fucking weird. Give me advice.”

Anakin whistled lowly.

“Damn. And by seduce, I assume you mean talk him into it?”

“Honestly I’m not sure. I think she might be going a little crazy.”

He nodded. “Yep, that’s not surprising. Runs in the family, really. So. You gonna do it?”

Rey sighed.

“I don’t know. Do you even think I can? Master Luke seems to think he’s beyond redemption, and I personally think he’s an ass, but Leia has a lot of faith in him! And, well, she has this look…”

The ghost grimaced. “Let me guess, this kinda soft, doe-eyed look, sorta tearful, all, ‘Please, please do what I asked because I am a Princess and I believe in you!’ face?”

Rey nodded, relieved. “Exactly!”

“She gets it from her mother. Padmé used to give me that look all the damn time.”

“Really? I thought it was a Skywalker thing! Luke does it, too!”

“Nope, it’s an Amidala thing. Trust me on that one. I was more into force choking than soulful gazes. Well, at least at the end of it…”

“And as terrifying as that is, we’re getting off topic. Ren. Do you think I can save him?”

Anakin hummed thoughtfully, staring off into the mountains. And the prat said he couldn’t do soulful gazes. Fucking bullshit.

“I can’t tell you for sure. All I know is this. When I was at my darkest, my deepest and most terrible moments, I still thought about my wife. My children, though I thought they were dead. Even my old Master. They were my driving thoughts. But Kylo Ren? His thoughts are even more torn than mine. But this I know. I was saved because someone loved me enough to try. Perhaps with my grandson it will be the same.”

“But someone did try! HAN GAVE UP HIS LIFE TRYING! It’s not like you killed anyone who was trying to help you return to the light!”

Anakin’s form blushed bluer in the dim light of the forest.

“Uh…Yeah, about that…Remember Padmé? My wife? I….may have killed her.”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAMILY?”

“So much shit, Rey,” Anakin sighed, “So much shit.”

“That’s for damn sure,” chimed in a new voice, as Obi Wan made his presence known.”

Anakin groaned. “What are you doing here?”

“I heard someone complaining about a Skywalker and thought, Hey, now THERE’S something I can contribute to!”

“Hello, Master Obi Wan.”

“Hello, Rey. In all seriousness, I think you should go for it. Try to bring him back. Leia doesn’t deserve another heart break.”

“Oh, you and your favorites! You’re all for Leia, aren’t you? Let her grow up as goddamn royalty, and where does my son go? Right the fuck back to Tatooine! Surrounded by fucking sand! Ugh! I hate sand! No one deserves that!” Anakin grumbled, upset at being interrupted during his crucial moment of counseling.

“Shut up, Anakin. Luke turned out fine. This is about Rey. What do you think, my dear? Will you accept this mission?”

“I…I’ll try.” The to spirits grinned wryly at her.

“Do, or do not,” began Anakin.

“There is no try.” They finished together before fading away.

Rey blinked, shaking her head to clear the fog. Sighing, yet determined, she stood and made her way back to the base.

Crawling into the bottom bunk with her two roommates, she squeezed herself in between them, silently demanding their attention.

“Hey, Rey” Finn murmured, covering a yawn. “What’s up? What did the General want?”

She told them.

“Huh.” Poe remarked distractedly. “So. Honeypot mission. My favorite.”

“What.” Finn stated, looking over her hair at his bunk-mate.

“Yep. General sent me on a few of those, before. Way easier than defusing a bomb, let me tell you.”

“I’ll bet,” Rey giggled.

“Wait, no. What? We’re not done talking about this.” Finn half sat up, panicky.

“Calm down, Finn. That was before I met you, pal.”

“Yeah, ok, but define a few?”

Rey rolled her eyes and let the bantering wash over her like a balm.

A really warm, annoying balm.

Good thing she was used to heat.

*meanwhile, in space*

Hux looked at his latest letter and chuckled.

“Captain, you won’t believe this. The girl’s been ordered to try to counter-seduce Ren back to the light.”

Phasma looked up from her desk and gave him a piercing glare. Or at last what Hux assumed was a piercing glare, under that helmet. It was hard to tell.

“Am I to be led to believe,” she remarked cooly, “That you are, in fact, keeping friendly contact with one of our most wanted nemeses?”

Hux paled, which was quite a feat for him. 

“I assure you Captain, that our relationship is merely one of information. And. Well. I also let them on the ship once. BUT THAT WAS ONLY TO FUCK WITH REN!”

“Them? Explain.”

“The girl, the pilot, and. The traitor.”

Captain Phasma paused, considering the new information.

“FN-2187?”

“Yes.” Hux held his breath.

“He was on the ship? And you didn’t tell me?”

“I was a bit busy distracting Kylo at the moment.”

She huffed. “Regardless, General! One of my top cadets was here without my knowledge!”

“I’m….sorry? Ma’am?”

Phasma sighed. “Did he seem…happy?”

“Well, I suppose so. He seemed very fond of that pilot.”

“Poe Dameron,” she hissed, “That fancy resistance pilot. Coming in here, seducing my best trooper! You know, I’ll bet he let himself be captured! That would be just like the resistance. He is known for successful honeypot missions, you know that? And poor FN-2187. He was always too emotional for his own good, you know. It was always going to hold him back. I tried to tach him better, like a good Captain, but. He was so willful.” 

Phasma sighed, as Hux stared at her. He felt vaguely disturbed.

“Yes. Well. As long as he’s happy, I suppose. Even if the foolish boy has no right sense for what happiness is. He was such a good trooper until that no good skank stole him away from me. ME! His CAPTAIN! And he threw me down the trash compacter! It was quite cruel. I was proud, actually.” Phasma returned to her desk, muttering under her breath.

Hux decided not to bring him up again. Ever.

It seemed that Kylo Ren wasn’t the only one who’s mother wanted her son back. Maybe he could arrange a trade?

One useless Sith for a decently competent, if emotional stormtrooper. Seemed fair.

Still, he doubted they would go through with it.

Pity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evil Space Mom Phasma and Good Space Mom Leia would probably get along if they met, and teach Rey how to become the most powerful, unstoppable creation in the universe. They must never meet. The consequences would be too disastrous.  
> Also, Poe Dameron is hot, and everyone knows it. General Leia likes to use what she has on hand, and he never said no to the missions.  
> Phasma despises him.  
> That home-wrecker.  
> Seducing her poor, innocent, naive cadet. He was her most promising trooper before that resistance hussy got his claws into him.  
> Shut up Hux, that's exactly what happened.


	12. You Done Fucked Up, Rey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey panics, Kylo jumps to conclusions, and Evil Space Mom is out for blood. And Poe Dameron's stupid gorgeous head. She has a special place for it in her trophy room.

Rey had been worried at first about the concept of her new mission. Despite Poe’s reassurances that she was definitely hot enough to seduce someone to the light side, and he would know, she wasn’t sure what she would even say to that douche-bag, or when she should contact him.

As it turned out, she didn’t need to worry. 

Ren was, as ever, on his own schedule.

Sitting on her bunk, Rey breathed slowly, trying to sort out a plan while everyone was in the mess hall for dinner. 

“REY! I decided to forgive you for Hux! Also Captain Phasma said that the silent treatment is for babies. So here I am again! No need to apologize! I understand now. Hux seduced you with his big words and general fanciness. Ha. General Fanciness. I’m gonna call him that if I ever catch him outside Captain Phasma’s office. Right before I cut him in half with my lightsaber. But yeah, I’m back! Did you miss me?”

Rey took a deep breath.

“Y- yeah, Kylo. I. Totally missed you,” she choked out.

A wave of giddy delirium rushed over her.

“Really? I mean, yeah, totally. Of course you did. Glad you’re past the denial.”

The padawan cringed, trying to keep her emotions forced down.

“Sure. No denial here. Nope. Just super happy you’re back.”

Oh kriff she sounded worse than Finn when he was lying. 

“Rey! Does this mean what I think it does? Are you finally going to become my apprentice?” 

Vague images flashed in Rey’s mind of a Control Deck covered in flowers while Hux cried into a shiny stormtrooper’s arms and Ren smiled at her. An old, scarred man stood between them, holding their hands together as cheesy music played. She was wearing a dress. For some reason Darth Vader was clapping and giving Kylo a thumbs up.

What the fuck. No, seriously. What the hell kind of apprenticeship ceremony was this.

Finn and Poe weren’t even there!

She choked down nausea. 

“Uh. About that. I was thinking. You know the only way we can REALLY be together, Kylo?”

A nervous eagerness filled her. He really had no control over his emotions.

“What? What is it, Rey? I’ll do anything. Really, anything.”

Rey believed him.

“Well. Would you join the Light Side?”

The connection grew tense.

Fuck, what would Poe Dameron do?

“I mean. I have faith in you, buddy? We could share clothes? Wanna help me break out of enemy prison?”

Fuck she was babbling.

Kylo wasn’t saying anything. Why wasn’t he saying anything. All the times she wished he’d shut up and he chose now?”

“Uh. Kylo?”

“Did you say enemy prison?”

“Yes. I think.”

“Is that why you won’t join the Dark Side? The rebels are holding you hostage? Why didn’t you say anything! That’s why you’re talking to Hux, isn’t it! You’re trying to get out!”

Wait, what.

“MY MOTHER IS PUTTING YOU UP TO THIS, ISN’T SHE!”

“Yes!” the jedi blurted out, happy to find a piece of conversation that made sense.

“She’s holding you prisoner! You haven’t joined the Dark Side because she’s forcing you to do this!”

“What? No! I-”

“Don’t worry Rey! I understand, it all makes sense now!”

Christ he was so drunk. Could he even hear her?

“It’s the only way to free you!”

What now.

“Don’t worry, Rey! I’m coming to rescue you!”

FUCK. What would Leia do, she could handle this! What would Leia say, what would Leia say....

“Help me, Kylo. You’re my only hope!”

GODDAMMIT.

“I’M COMING, REY. I WILL SAVE YOU AND BRING YOU TO THE DARK SIDE! THEN YOU WILL BE MY BR- APPRENTICE! MY APPRENTICE!”

He severed the tie before she could respond, leaving her gaping into the empty room.

What the fuck had just happened? 

Shit. Hopefully he was too drunk to remember this.

This was probably nothing she should worry about. Right?

*meanwhile in space*

Phasma stormed into the office, causing General Hux to snap to attention before relaxing. He was a higher rank than her, goddammit.

“General.”

“Captain.”

“Prepare yourself. We’re heading for the rebel base.”

“Pardon?”

Hux got the distinct impression she was grinning. He also suspected the grin had too many teeth.

“Apparently your friend is being held hostage. We’re going to save her.”

“That’s absurd!”

The captain shrugged.

“If we’re being honest, I don’t much care. I’m bringing her back. FN-2187, too.”

“Is that your orders?”

“It’s my mission,”she replied vaguely. Hux didn’t press for more.

“And Poe Dameron?”

“That,” Phasma grinned, “is entirely up to fate.”

Hux gulped. This couldn’t possibly end well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first cliff hanger.  
> Do you want to know a secret?  
> Kylo Ren wears that helmet to hide the fact that he's hung over almost all the time.  
> It's also why it cancels out light, and why he's always throwing tantrums.   
> He should probably go to rehab, but no one really likes him enough to try and help the guy, and the last trooper to bring up the issue was jettisoned into space.  
> There is a moment of silence held for them every Rampage Day.  
> Gone but not forgotten, EE-0722


	13. Matt the Radar Technician is Kinda Creepy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has fun, Poe Dameron doesn't, and Finn has done nothing to deserve this.  
> Unless you ask Phasma, who's still taking his betrayal pretty hard.   
> Actually don't ask Phasma. She'll probably shoot you.

Rey slumped over the bar, reaching for another shot glass to pour liquid fire down her throat.

“Another!” the drunk padawan proclaimed, slamming it down on the wood.

The bartender eyed her nervously.

“I think you’ve had enough, kid. I can get you some water, though”

Groaning in frustration, the young Jedi waved her hand in front of his face.

“You will bring me more alcohol.”

“I will bring you more alcohol.” 

Fuck yeah. Jedi mind tricks were bitchin’.

“That’s a neat trick,” came a voice from behind her. Rey turned her head quickly and immediately regretted the decision. Dizzily, she recognized Poe as he laughed at her intoxicated state. “I think the nice man had a point though, kid. You probably should have stopped a bottle and a half ago.” 

Rey blinked as the words sank in.

“Poe?” 

“Yeah, kid. And don’t even think about doing any of that mind whammy shit on me, I’ve had more than my fill of it this lifetime.”

Rey let out a pitiful moan,

“I fucked up, Poe. I fucked up soooo bad.”

“I doubt it could be THAT bad, sweetheart.”

“Kylo Ren thinks I’m being held hostage and is on his way to rescue me or some shit.”

“I stand corrected. Does Leia know?”

“Uhhhhhhh…Maybe?” 

Poe sighed.

“Well alright, then. You stay here, I’ll send somebody to get you to the room. I’ve gotta go fill the General in on the fact that her son might be joining us sooner than we thought. Gotta admit kid, for a first honey pot mission, this is pretty bad. Though not as bad as mine, I have to admit.”

Rey giggled.

“You made out with a tree once.”

The pride of the Resistance, flying ace Poe Dameron turned a very interesting shade of red.

“Wha- That was kissing practice! I mean, I never! I-Who told you that? I was 10, Rey! It happened once!”

“Kylo tol’ me. Kylo. Kyyyyyyyyyyyyyyylo. His name sounds funny.”

The pilot rubbed his hands over his face.

“Yeah, you got me there, kid. You just. Sit there. Re-hydrate. I’ll send somebody to help you out.”

Muttering under his breath, the man turned and walked out of the bar, leaving a half-conscious Rey behind him.

*10 minutes later*

Rey awoke to her shoulder being shaken roughly. Growling, she turned to see a vaguely familiar, though blurry blonde man with glasses.

“Who?” she groaned, not liking the motion.

“It’s me, Rey! I’ve come to take you to safety!” 

“Oh!” She grinned lazily, vaguely remembering something. “Poe sent you, right?”

“Uh….Yeah! Come with me, Rey. I can protect you!”

Huffing, the young Jedi shoved the man’s shoulder.

“Don’ need…No….Protectin’….’M a fuckin’ Jedi! Kinda!”

The man nodded.

“Yeah. OK. You’re much drunker than I expected, but I can work with this. Uh, I’m.Matt! A. Radar technician?”

Rey gasped.

“That’s so cool, man! Is it fun?”

“Uh. Oh, yeah. Loads. Let’s just. Get you where you belong, ok?”

“Ok!” She said, humming happily as she forgot his insult.

Wow, Kylo thought, This is going way better than I anticipated.

*Meanwhile, in the base*

Poe Dameron was by no means an inexperienced man, in any definition of the word. He had seen some shit. He had gone on to survive said shit. Poe Dameron was not a coward.

But there was something about an insane, screaming blonde person with a blaster accusing him of stealing their son that really made him want to hide behind a barrel or something.

Which was exactly what he was doing.

He let out a small shriek as the blaster fire hit directly next to his barrel.

“COME OUT AND FACE ME, YOU CHILD-STEALING BASTARD!”

Wincing, he peeked his head over the barrel to see the strong face glaring over the silver armor.

“I’m sorry, sir or ma’am, but I have literally no idea what you’re talking about!” 

The face became even more enraged.

“You can call me Captain, you tiny home wrecker! Where is he? Where is that idiot boy?”

“I’m sorry, who?”

Poe ducked, feeling the heat of the laser as it smoked through the air were his head had been. He was pretty sure his hair was singed.

“WHERE IS FN-2187! I DEMAND YOU RETURN HIM TO ME AT ONCE!”

Realization dawned on the huddled pilot.

“What, you mean Finn? Hell, no! He’s not your anything! Take that blaster and shove it, Captain!”

The scream of outrage gave him a small amount of personal satisfaction. He was probably about to die, but now he knew that he had at least offended the one about to kill him.

Worth it.

“What the hell is going on?”

Poe bit back a curse.

Finn took in the scene before him, confused.

“Wait. PHASMA? What the hell are you doing here?”

The towering woman straightened, addressing her estranged stormtrooper.

“Ah. FN-2187. There you are. My comrades and I are here on a rescue mission.”

Finn’s shock was apparent. Poe edged out from behind the barrel, only to duck back when a blast hit the wall in front of him.

“Finn, would you tell your fucking mom to stop shooting at me!”

“What? She’s not my mom!”

A horrified, offended gasp ripped through the air as Phasma clutched her breast plate.

“FN-2187! What has this rebel scum done to you?”

“His name is Poe, Phasma, and my name is Finn! And he’s done more for me than anyone in the galaxy ever could, except maybe Rey. Wait a second, what rescue mission? I’m not that important.”

“I disagree!” Poe chimed in.

“No, FN- Finn is right, small child stealer. We’re not….officially here for him.”

“I’m not that short,” Poe muttered.

“Wait a second!” Finn interrupted. “Where’s Rey?”

Understanding sunk into Poe’s brain like a ship into the swampy marshes of Dagobah.

“FUCK!”

*meanwhile, very slowly making their way off the base*

Rey stumbled into her new best friend, giggling as she walked over the training field towards the forest.

“Wow, Matt,” she slurred, “You sure like to talk about Kylo Ren.” 

“I’m telling you Rey,” he replied in earnest, “He’s totally shredded. Like. Super ripped. My friend saw him in the shower once, and he had an eight pack. And super toned arms.”

Rey blinked, confused.

“Why was your friend watching Kylo Ren in the shower?”

Matt blushed.

“That isn’t important, Rey. You should just know I heard it from a very reliable source.”

Rey hummed an affirmation.

“I think your friend might be a creeper, Matt.”

“Let’s talk about something else,” he said quickly, ducking his head down as the two passed a group of jogging soldiers. “Like Darth Vader.”

“Oh, I know him. He’s super nice. He’s always telling me, “Don’t be like my Grandson, Rey. He’s a huge disappointment to me. Make sure you never join the Dark Side, only weak fools do that!” Hey, are you crying?”

“No,” muttered Kylo, “I have sand in my eyes.”

“That’s funny, we’re on a field of grass.”

“Shut up, Rey!”

*meanwhile, back on the base*

Finn was a pretty patient person, he thought. He had been through a lot, but. He was understanding, and better for it.

So why, he questioned as his arms were tugged back and forth, had the universe decided to punish him like this?

Phasma yanked harder, blaster forgotten on the ground as she tried to pull her prodigal cadet closer.

“I’ll bet you planned it all, Dameron,” she hissed, “Pretty face like yours is bound to be put to use!”

“Thank you for the compliment,” he bit back, tugging Finn forward, “But Finn was just a major perk.”

“HA! You stole my best cadet from me with your strange sexual wiles, don’t deny it!”

“Hey!” Finn said defensively.

“I wish!” Poe huffed. “I’ll have you know I courted him proper before there was any seducing!”

“I dunno, there were a couple of moments,” Finn muttered.

“I will have your head in my trophy room, Resistance hussy!”

“Try it, Space Nazi bitch!”

Finn sighed. He was a good person. He didn’t deserve this. Also he was pretty sure they were going to dislocate his shoulders at this rate.

Perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey is drunk off her ass, ok. The bar she was in had technically closed a half hour ago, but if she wants to use jedi mind tricks to get totally wasted, that's her prerogative.   
> If anyone's wondering where tf luke and leia are, they're having a tea party on the millenium falcon with chewbacca in space. BB-8 is there, too. So's R2-D2 and C-3PO. They're all just having a fun time on a joy ride. All the First Order people agreed it was extremely and suspiciously convenient.   
> Hux is having a migraine back on the ship, and is seriously considering retiring to a nice desert planet where Kylo Ren will never step foot because he hates sand and starting a Bantha raising farm. It can't be harder than this. Maybe he'll grow a beard, find a nice person to settle down with. Yes. All alone as a Bantha herder, with his future spouse and kids and a sick-ass face of scruff. Oh, who is he kidding.   
> Anakin is face palming while Obi-Wan pats his back understandingly.  
> Anakin wished Poe Dameron was his grandson. He feels like that would somehow make everything better.


	14. If You Go Out in the Woods Today You Better Bring a Blaster. In Fact You Probably Shouldn't Go in the Woods at All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phasmom kicks ass, Finn feels two sides of himself being pulled, Rey is still Very Drunk (but not that drunk), and Matt the Radar Technician dies  
> Also Leia and Luke are there

Rey was having the most fun of her life. Matt the Radar Technician was like, the coolest person ever. She giggled softly to herself before sliding lower behind the tree. Hide and go seek was clearly the best idea she had ever had. Even if Matt apparently wasn’t a fan.

“REY! REY, WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS! STOP HIDING AND COME BACK!”

She heard a vague crash from a few feet away and clapped her hands over her mouth, laughing. This was totally the best idea she had ever come up with drunk.

Except maybe fucking up Kylo Ren’s wardrobe. That was a pretty good one, too.

*meanwhile*

Finn was having the least fun of his life. And that was saying something.

“Give him back!”, growled Phasma, tugging hard on his arm.

“In your fucked up dreams!” sneered Poe, tugging back harder on the other arm.

“This is ridiculous. Please let me go.”

They proceeded to ignore him. Sighing, he tried to remain as limp as possible. His arms were getting sore. Where the fuck was Rey when you needed her?

*where the fuck Rey was*

“Gotcha!”

Matt grabbed Rey’s arm, pulling her up with an exasperated expression on his face.

“Rey, we don’t have time for games right now. We can play on the ship.”

“Noooooooo!” she whined, sitting down to make herself as heavy as possible. 

Kylo Ren privately wondered what he had done to deserve this. The universe laughed in response to his query.

“Rey if we don’t get on the ship soon, then-”

“Wait,” Rey’s face scrunched up adorably in confusion, “Why are we gettin’ on a ship, anyways? You’re s’pposed to take me back to my room. This isn’t there.”

Matt froze nervously.

“uh-”

“Are we lost?”

He let loose a sigh of relief.

“Yeah, Rey. we’re totally lost. But lucky for us, there’s a ship in that direction! With nav charts! So we’re gonna be just fine.”

Rey nodded, pacified, before stopping and shaking her head. 

“No, I was just here yesterday. There isn’t a ship here!”

“Dammit Rey, yes there is.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Yes, there is!”

“Nope.”

“Yes!”

“No. I woulda remembered.”

“ARRRGHHH!” Matt threw up his arms in frustration and proceeded to try to beat up a tree. 

Rey squinted. This was very familiar. How did she know this guy?

“OW!” 

The blonde shook his apparently sprained fingers, jumping around in pain. His wig became loose.

Frowning in suspicion, the young Jedi stalked about to the whining man.

“Hey, Rey, what are you do-NO WAIT DON’T!”

She ripped the wig off and gasped.

“KYLO?”

“Oh, shit.”

*back with Finn the Human Tug-Of-War*

“ALRIGHT THAT’S ENOUGH!” 

Finn ripped his arm away from the two angry duelists.

“I am a goddamn person, NOT A ROPE. My arms are gonna be sore for a week now. I hope you’re happy.”

Poe looked down, slightly embarrassed. Phasma showed no expression whatsoever. Finn sighed.

“Look, it’s. Weirdly touching that you’re doing this, but there’s literally no point. Poe didn’t seduce me away, Phasma. He was part of it, sure, but he wasn’t my main motivation. The truth is, I never fit in there. You know that! But, here, fighting, helping people? This is where I belong! I’m not going back to the First Order. I’d rather die, Phasmom.”

Poe and the captain stared at him.

“What?”

“Finn, buddy, you just called her Phasmom.”

“What? No I didn’t.”

“The tiny rogue is right.” 

“I am not that small!” he spat, straightening up to stare up at her.

Way up at her.

She was a fucking giant.

He felt very conflicted.

Shaking his head, the pilot turned back to Finn.

“But yeah, you totally called her Phasmom.”

“No I did not!”

“It’s alright, cadet. You think of me as a mother figure. It’s understandable.”

“NO, I DON’T, AND I DIDN’T CALL YOU PHASMOM!”

Phasma set her hand on his shoulder.

“Of course you didn’t. Now how about you and the traitorous scum you’ve been fraternizing with go and get a snack.”

“Yeah, ok. WAIT, NO!”

Poe laughed.

“Ha. She’s totally your mom.” He then froze as realization sunk in.

“Oh, fuck. I’m dating the son of a crazy space nazi.”

“I assure you, vermin, I am perfectly sane.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“Good.”

Finn cut into the exchange. 

“This is nice and all, but where the fuck is Rey?”

“An excellent question.”

The three turned around to see Leia, Luke and Chewie standing behind them. 

“Ah. I see you’re back from your suspiciously convenient tea party in space.”

Leia crossed her arms and gave her best Mom Glare. Phasma was undaunted and responded with one of her own. The tension grew.

And broke with a small smile.

“Impressive.” Leia remarked.

“I could say the same to you, General. Hello, Luke. I can’t say it’s particularly nice to see you, but I am pleased none the less.”

“’Sup, Captain P.”

Poe and Finn shared a glance. ‘Captain P?’ they mouthed.

“You brought my bitch of a nephew with you, so I’ll have to say the same. Except the pleased part. Seriously, how could you do that. You know I have issues managing my stress because of that punk. It’s bad enough without my incense around!”

“Luke, calm down.”

“Leia, he’s YOUR son. You can defend him all you want. But he’s only my nephew, so if I want to call him a punk-ass bitch, I damn well will.”

“Be that as it may, we still don’t know what they’re doing here.”

Phasma took on a countenance of stone.

“They’re here for Rey,” Finn chimed in, happy to have someone listen to him after the last half hour of useless pleading to be let go.

“Well Ren is,” Phasma huffed, “I’m mostly here for these two. Technically only the head of that rebel snake,” Poe did his very best to not look pleased with himself and failed, “But Ren is very adamant on bringing the girl with him. Asked me to be the Maid of Honor at the initiation ceremony.”

Luke looked confused. “The Sith have no initiation ceremony.”

“That would explain why it sounded like a wedding, then.”

“That aside,” Leia interjected, “We must find them, and quickly. Who knows. I may yet be able to win back my son from that evil man’s seductions to rebellion.”

Finn looked vaguely sick.

“I don’t think they mean that kind of seduce,” whispered Poe.

Finn sighed, relieved.

A glint came to Phasma’s eye.

“Did you say a man seduced your son to rebellion?”

*back to Rey and Not-Matt*

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?”

Kylo fliched back, still cradling his hand, before remembering himself and yelling back.

“I’M RESCUING YOU, OBVIOUSLY! Honestly, Rey, why else would I come so close to these Light-Side goody-two-shoes?”

Rey glared, still angry.

“Then why the hell did you have to disguise yourself?”

“Well, this might have escaped you, but MY MOTHER RUNS THE BASE!”

“STOP YELLING AT ME!”

“YOU STARTED IT!”

Rey pushed him before sitting down on the ground and crying. Kylo stared, mouth open, before becoming deeply uncomfortable.

“Uh. I mean. Um. Rey?” He twitched, looking around and fiddling with his hair.

“Rey. Please. Just. Please stop crying. Rey, this is really unnecessary.”

“Your face is unnecessary!” she choked out, still sobbing drunkenly.

“Dammit, Rey! Please stop. I’ll even apologize. I’m sorry. Look, I said it, I’m sorry. I don’t know what for, but-”

“Matt was my friend! And now he’s dead! And you killed him!”

“What? Is that what you’re crying about? Rey, Matt wasn’t even real!”

“YOU KILLED HIM BY EXISTING!” 

Kylo let out a grunt of frustration.

“Now I know what Hux is always bitching about,” he muttered.

“Hux? Where’s Hux? I want to see him. I like Hux. His hair is pretty.”

Kylo glared indignantly. 

“His hair is not that pretty, Rey.”

“Your just jealous because you dye yours.”

He let out a gasp, shock and offense stamped so deeply into his face one could mail it. 

“I DO NOT- REY. REY LISTEN TO ME. MY HAIR COLOR IS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GENUINE. WHO EVEN TOLD YOU THAT? WAS IT HUX? IT WAS HUX WASN’T IT. I’LL KILL HIM.”

“STOP KILLING MY FRIENDS! First Han, then Matt…And you almost crippled Finn! Thank the stars for bacta. Did you know that shit can heal nerves and muscle tissue? It’s crazy.”

“Alright, I’m going to say this again Rey. Matt. Did not. Exist. There is no Matt the Radar Technician, Rey. Search your heart. You know it to be true.”

“My heart thinks you’re a dick.”

“You are clearly intoxicated.”

“That’s true.”

“You have no idea what you’re saying.”

“That is less true.”

“Look Rey, my mother has clearly brain washed you. I can help set you free, but I need to take you with my. My mother and Uncle Luke got back from their suspiciously convenient tea party in space, I can sense it, so we need to leave, and fast. I’m taking you with me, whether you like it or not. You’ll thank me for it someday.”

“Actually,” came a voice from behind, “Neither of you are going anywhere.”

Kylo Ren turned face fist in an electric blast.

Leia looked at Phasma, concerned. 

“Don’t worry General,” the Captain said, “I set it to stun.”

Luke laughed uproariously. 

“Did you see his face? And look! Look, he’s twitching! This is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Rey stood up, kicking Kylo before walking over to greet her master.

“I distracted him for as long as I could, Master. As soon as I sensed your return I held him up for as long as I could.”

“You did very well, Padawan. I am very proud.”

Leia crouched by her son’s laid out form, brushing the hair from his face.

“Ben Chewbacca Padmé Solo,” she intoned, “We are going to have a very long talk about this.”

Kylo hissed at her.

“Young man, I did not raise a cat!”

Rey rejoined Finn and Poe, leaning on them both.

“Hey Poe,” she whispered, still tipsy. “What’s a cat?”

The pilot froze, staring at the girl with a breaking heart.

“You’ve. You’ve never seen a cat before?”

“Nuh-uh.” She shook her head. “Can you eat it?”

A small sob caught in his throat.

“I don’t know either,” added Finn. 

Poe’s face was a wreck of grief and disbelief. 

“I can’t believe this is happening. No, Rey. You don’t eat cats. You love them and hug them and give them food.”

“Oh,” her face wrinkled, “Ren’s definitely not a cat then. Finn, you’re my cat. You too, Poe. You’re both my cats now.”

“Aww. You too, Rey!”

Finn and Rey beamed at each other, proud of their new knowledge.

Poe sighed.

“No, guys. That’s. That’s not how it- Fuck it. I’ll show you both later. Yeah, you’re both my cats too.”

“Yay!” Rey cheered, “Master Luke! Guess what! Me and Finn are Poe’s cats!”

Luke cleared his throat.

“That’s a bit more than I needed to know about your love life, Padawan, but thanks for sharing.”

“Ren isn’t a cat, though. Ren isn’t anybody’s cat.”

“No, he certainly isn’t.”

“I can’t believe his middle name is Padmé!” Finn laughed.

“Finn, you don’t even have a middle name. Or a last name, for that matter.” Rey pointed out.

“Neither do you” he muttered.

Kylo groaned.

“You know, you can eat cats.” remarked Phasma. “They are edible. A delicacy even, on some planets.”

Poe stared at her, horrified.

“We aren’t that kind of species,” Rey assured him. “We don’t eat family members.”

“That said, I must return to the ship. If anyone asks, I will say he was captured and there was nothing I can do. I suspect a holiday will be declared.”

“Oooo! Send us a post card!” Rey chirped. 

“I’ll leave that to Hux. Farewell, Luke. General. Thief. Finn.” If she stumbled over the name, no one said anything.

With that she turned to go.

“You could stay,” Finn muttered.

The captain paused.

“I wish you the best of luck in your new endeavors, and all the best to you and your tiny rebel whore.”

Finn wrestled himself before rushing forward to hug her. Phasma stiffened before patting him awkwardly on the back.

“Your place is here, cadet. But mine is not. Even if my programming did allow it.” With that she pushed him away, though not unkindly.

She turned and put on her helmet before walking out of sight.

She then turned back.

“The ship is this way,” she muttered.

Silence filled the forest.

“Well that was dramatic,” Rey stated.

“I’m getting tiny rebel whore put on a shirt,” Poe grinned.

Kylo sighed dramatically.

Luke made sure Leia’s attention was elsewhere before quickly kicking him in the ribs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poe did get it put on a shirt. In sparkly pink letters. He wears in on tough missions to ensure that if he gets caught, he gets caught wearing it  
> Finn and Rey do eventually find out what a cat is, and while Rey is still slightly confused as to why she can't eat a cat if it doesn't mean family, she soon gets over it, because cats like her, it turns out. Probably because they are all some degree of Force Sensitive  
> Poe calls her Kitten all the time after that. She pretends it annoys her, but she likes getting her own nick name  
> Phasma's return is hailed with great joy as Hux finally exits the office and tells them all the Kylo Ren has been captured  
> The party lasts a week  
> General Hux sends the best care packages, and after Kylo's "unfortunate capture", well. Let's just say Rey gets a bit more than a post card  
> Hux was slightly drunk, as it was the third day of the party  
> There may have been a marriage proposal in there somewhere  
> As for Kylo's name, it went like this. Luke, Leia and Han all got to pick a name. Leia picked Ben, Han picked Chewbacca, and Luke picked Padmé.  
> "Luke, what the fuck." Leia said.  
> "Look, Leia. She was our mother and she deserves remembering. Besides, we only have two family names, and I'm not naming my nephew Anakin. We don't want him to turn out like Darth Vader."  
> "You're right," she sighed.  
> "Besides. You're the one letting him name your son after Chewbacca."  
> "Ha, fuckin' A. Best wife." Han slurred, not because he was drunk but because he had passed out after Ben was born like a nerd and gotten a concussion. The first of many headaches his son would give him, he said later.  
> Leia couldn't think of a good argument for that.  
> "Get off the floor, you scruffy moron," she said.  
> " Ok." the smuggler replied.  
> And that's pretty much all the Han Solo you're gonna get in this fic because Kylo Ren slaughtered him.  
> You're welcome.


	15. Rey is Shredded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren is dealt with, Rey is oblivious, and Hux is shitfaced  
> Also Lando Calrissian

“So,” Luke cut through the noise the three troublemakers were making, “What do we do with him?”

“Simple,” Leia said, straightening her shirt, “You will take him with you. If anyone can cut through the cloud of darkness Snoke has covered him in, it’s you. With Rey’s help, of course.”

Rey’s face scrunched up in disgust. 

“Why do I have to help him? You’re the one who wanted him, you keep him!”

Leia sent the padawan a severe Mom Glare. Rey held up admirably, but soon wilted beneath the heavy gaze.

“No, Leia. I will not be so easily cowed as my apprentice, and I am telling you now I want nothing to do with that sniveling sack of angst you call a son. I tried to help him before, and what did he do? He murdered all my trainees! You can’t put me through this again!” 

“Luke, please! He’s your nephew!”

“He’s deranged! Even if I did want to help him, he’s clearly obsessed with Rey, and I won’t endanger my best pupil or her training on the hope that this emo bitchbaby will snap out of it.”

Leia sighed. 

“I understand. At least think about it?”

“For you, sister.”

“That’s all I ask. Now boys!”

Poe and Finn snapped to attention.

“Carry my wayward son here to the base.”

Rey snorted.

“Don’t be ridiculous, General. I got this.”

With that she hoisted the grumpy, paralyzed Sith over her shoulder and began her trek back towards the headquarters.

Leia nodded approvingly as Poe stared at Finn, who seemed nonchalant.

“I accepted a long time ago that Rey can probably do anything.”

With that the group started onwards, Luke rolling his eyes and muttering about drama queens.

*a short hike later*

Rey dropped her unwieldy cargo in a holding cell before rejoining her master. 

“What do you think will happen to him, Master?”

“I’m not sure, Rey. But I know this much. I’m not taking him with us.”

“I’m comfortable with that.”

The elderly Skywalker chuckled, clasping her shoulder.

“I had a feeling you would be. Though, I do wonder.”

“Master?”

“The First Order just lost a leader, as well as the head of the Knights of Ren. There may be repercussions. Even attempts to come back at us.”

“Honestly, Master? You’re right. They’re probably planning a rescue attempt as we speak.”

*meanwhile is space, on the intercom*

“ATTENTION TROOPS! GENERAL HUX, HERE! I HAVE GOT SOME NEWS THAT NEEDS IMMEDIATE ADDRESSING. AS YOU KNOW, KYLO REN RECENTLY WENT ON AN ATTEMPTED RESCUE MISSION! CAPTAIN PHASMA HAS RETURNED, INFORMING US THAT HE WAS CAPTURED BY THE ENEMY!”

A pause came upon the vessel as everyone stopped what they were doing to listen.

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! HE’S GONE! THAT FUCKER HAS FINALLY BEEN CAPTURED! I REPEAT, KYLO REN HAS BEEN CAPTURED!”

There was a sound, as if all the voices on the ship cried out in sheer joy.

“EVERYONE GET’S A WEEK’S LEAVE! I AM DECLARING THIS A HOLIDAY, AND QUITE FRANKLY, I’M ALREADY DRUNK! HERE’S A TOAST TO OUR HERO OF THE HOUR, REY- Phasma what’s her last name? What do you mean she d- Ok, whatever, no need to get feisty. TO REY! LET’S PARTY!”

And with that, the intercom started blasting the soundtrack no one ever thought they’d hear in their lifetime.

Hux’s rumored Freedom From Ren soundtrack.

The ship became consumed with celebration. Streamers and balloons were everywhere. Stashed alcohol flowed like water.

They were finally free.

*Back at the base*

“Rey, we must increase your training. There will doubtless by retribution, and you have to be prepared.”

“I understand, Master Luke. But. May I ask a question?”

“Of course!”

“How come no one ever visits us? It’s always us visiting them! Couldn’t Finn and Poe come to see me every once in a while?”

“No, I’m sorry Rey. The path of a Jedi is a lonely one, and you must accept early on that some relationships are simply impossible. Besides, only Jedi are allowed on Jedi Island, Rey. That’s just how it works. It’s in the name. They aren’t Jedi!”

Rey huffed, frustrated. “Well that’s just hypocrisy! How come Lando gets to come visit you all the time then! You two kick me out of the temple to talk for hours! Cloud City can’t possibly be that interesting!”

A flush started to form high on Luke’s face.

“Sh-shush, Rey! Lando Calrissian is an exception! Also, he helps me grow and restock my incense! He is very knowledgeable about these things, Padawan.”

Rey grumbled her assent, kicking at the dirt.

“Doesn’t explain why I can’t join you,” she muttered.

The older Jedi’s face turned a distinct shade of red.

“OH LOOK, THERE’S ARTOO! IS OUR SHIP READY TO LEAVE YET?”

The astromech trilled out an assent.

“Good! Time to go, Rey! Say your good byes, yes, let’s get on the ship!”

Leia stopped her brother, curious.

“Luke, are you blushing?”

"GOOD BYE, SISTER I HAVE TO GO IT’S VERY URGENT JEDI BUSINESS. SEE YOU LATER!”

And with that, they were on their way back to the temple Master and Apprentice called home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's right, Luke, your secret is out  
> Or it would be if Rey wasn't so oblivious  
> Lando and Luke are Space Boyfriends who grow special incense together  
> For medicinal and meditational purposes, of course  
> That and being a hermit don't pay them bills, now does it Luke  
> Rey is so strong  
> Kylo cried the whole time he was being carried. Tears of ADMIRATION  
> Hux would be willing to give you his last name after this, Rey. Also his land and livelihood he's very drunk right now  
> You guys know, I heard Rey has an 8 pack  
> That Rey is shredded


	16. Storm Troopers Love Tea Parties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn gets some much needed screen time, and Leia enjoys a pleasant conversation  
> This one is a bit less humorous than usual

Finn liked to tell himself that his ties to the First Order were cut completely. He hated everything about them, everything they stood for, everything they’d made him. He would fight against them with his dying breath. 

However, hate changed little about what he was. Finn was a former storm trooper, as much as he’d like to forget it, and some things were ingrained so deeply in him he would never truly be able to pry it out. Some things he didn’t want to. He was a hell of a fighter, he knew, and a pretty good strategist. Those were useful skills. But some things, Finn thought, he could do without.

For example, early rising. Finn opened his eyes at 6 am sharp every morning, ready for a simple and bland breakfast and morning training. He hated it. He could sleep for as long as he needed now, he knew that, but at 6 in the morning regardless he rose. Poe grumbled cheerfully at first, but there was a concerned tightness around his eyes that made Finn feel a bit guilty at times.

He tried to sleep in once or twice, to merely open his eyes and roll over, but it was difficult to override his programming.

And that was another thing. Poe hated it when he referred to it as programming. 

“You’re not a machine, pal,” the pilot muttered, “No matter how hard those bastards tried to make you one.”

Finn remembered how horrified the pilot had been when he asked about decommissioning after he woke up in pain, barely able to move. When Poe realized what he was talking about.

“Aw, kid, no! We don’t do that here,” he had said, grabbing him by the shoulders and glaring hard. “No one’s ever gonna do that to you, ya hear me? Not on my watch.”

Finn believed him.

Finn remembered the first time he ate “actual food”, breakfast in the mess hall surrounded by friendly elbows and loud cheering and everyone chattering cheerfully to each other. It was familiar in a way, the camaraderie. It made him think of his fellow troopers. He wondered briefly how many he’d killed. How many he knew.

The food was almost too much all of a sudden.

But the one thing Finn would never regret was Poe Dameron. Defecting may have led to confusion, but it was still the best thing that had ever happened to him. Sure he spaced out sometimes, but he knew Poe was always gonna be there to help him, and to guide him back into himself.

After all, he was the best pilot in the resistance.

Sometimes, however, he could be a bit much. After the incident with Captain Phasma (and no Dameron, he did not call her Phasmom, shut up) he had been particularly concerned, hovering around him like a tie-fighter. As much as Finn appreciated the support, he really just wanted to be alone for a moment or two, so he could stop thinking about the fact that the man responsible for most of his misery was sulking in a cell in the same camp he had come to think of as a haven.

Kylo Ren, or as Rey affectionately called him, The Emo Fuckstick Bitchbaby. 

Rey. Was she alright? He should Spacetime her.

As soon as he was done hiding from Poe.

Finn scooted further back behind a sack of potatoes. His training told him hiding out in the pantry was an advantageous position. His stomach agreed. A light came on and foot steps headed towards him. Wincing, the former storm-trooper braced himself for the worst.

“Finn. I thought I might find you here.”

He looked up into the face of General Leia. She seemed fondly amused.

“You know, Poe is looking for you.”

Finn looked down, trying not to show his guilt. However, it’s hard to hide things from a seasoned mother, especially one gifted in the force and married to Han “bullshit your way through life” Solo. What was it Solo had said? Women always find out the truth. Always.

Han. Yet another person who’s life was ruined by the First Order.

By Kylo Ren.

Leia offered him her hand.

“Young man, you seem in dire need of some tea.”

Finn hesitated. She grinned.

“Humor an old woman.”

Sighing, he took her hand, following her to her private quarters.

Sitting on an offered chair, he watched as the General prepared a pot of tea.

“Forgive me if I’ve overstepped my bounds, but I think I know the look on your face. You’re scared, and angry with yourself and everyone else. You’re regretting what you’ve done, and frustrated you can’t change it. Am I getting close?”

Finn nodded, eyes wide.

“How did you know?”

Leia laughed.

“Kid, I was married to Han Solo, fuck up extraordinaire, for years. I helped raise Ben. Hell, I’ve been there many a time myself. Even if I couldn’t sense your inner conflict, regret is something I am extremely familiar with. But something tells me you don’t want the kid glove treatment, or you’d be off canoodling in an x-wing with your pilot.”

Finn blushed, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

“That’s what I thought.” She poured the tea, sitting down across from him. “You’re conflicted. My son is here, and that has to be stirring up memories for you. So how about we do a time honored tradition when it comes to handling one’s emotions?”

“What’s that, ma’am?”

Leia grinned as she pulled a flask out of her vest and poured it’s contents into the cups.

“Let’s ignore our problems completely while making bad life choices.”

Finn smiled.

*three cups of heavily spiked tea later*

“So there I was, mad as hell, wanting to prove a point, so I just reached out, grabbed Luke, and snogged the living daylights out of him.”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? No!”

“I swear it’s true. Ask Rey, she probably knows!”

“But that’s your twin brother!”

“I know that now, but then he was just this cute dork I was saving the universe with! And Han just made me so frustrated…He had that affect on everyone, you know? Needless to say, when I found out later I downed half a bottle of Corellian brandy and most of a tube of toothpaste.”

“Oooooh, that’s so messed up!”

The pair laughed as they reminisced. Finn sighed contentedly, relaxed. Leia smiled to herself.

“You know, Ben used to have the most precocious obsession with that pilot of yours,”

“You’re kidding.”

“Oh, no. He used to go on and on about how he wanted to be just like him. Ben would follow him around everywhere, asking for piggy back rides and if he could play with his hair. Came home with the wildest stories. Apparently Poe made out with a tree once.”

Finn nearly keeled over laughing.

The General nodded, pleased. It was good to see the kid happy for a while. And doubly good to talk about old times to someone. She liked this young storm trooper. In a way, he reminded her of Han.

That made Poe her, she supposed. He would be ecstatic to hear it. He had, after all, started the Princess Leia Fan Club in the Academy. He still wore the button on his uniform sometimes. 

Today, Leia decided, was going to be a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you ever say anything bad about Leia in front of Poe Dameron, you better brace yourself buddy  
> There is a storm coming your way  
> He will lecture you for hours on how wrong you are  
> He dressed up as hutt-slayer Leia for Halloween once  
> Unironically  
> Kylo Ren swears to this day that seeing that is what made him turn to the dark side but he's just a drama queen  
> Rey did not, in fact, know about this and after that conversation with Finn had a real fun time interrogating an increasingly flushed Luke  
> Poe eventually found Finn passed out on the floor of Leia's tent. He took him back to their bunk. Finn woke up long enough to look around and see the gigantic mess.  
> "Poe, buddy, what happened here, man?"  
> "I thought you were never coming back ever. So I panicked."  
> Finn was very touched. Cue the sappiest sweetest dumbest love-struck make out session ever.  
> BB-8 is scarred for life.


	17. Kylo Sees the Signs (Too Bad He Can't Read Them)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Home sweet hovel  
> Kylo needs to make better choices, and Rey waits for the mail  
> Also Yoda

Rey took in a deep breath of the salty ocean air. The good old smell of mildew and rot and salt and stone. No place like home.

Beat the smell of sand and unwashed bodies, anyway.

“Padawan, some help me with this sign. With the current events, I feel it necessary.”

She turned to see Luke dragging a wooden sign to the top of the stairs. Crude letters had been hacked into it, presumably with a light-saber. Squinting, she read them aloud to herself.

“ ’Jedi Island- Jedi only, no Sith allowed! Especially Kylo Ren.’ I like it, Master.”

He grunted in response, before tacking on a smaller addendum.

‘Exception: Lando Calrissian.’

Rolling her eyes, the scavenger helped him force it into the earth before stepping back and wiping her brow.

“I still don’t think this is fair.”

“Fair-shmair, Rey. Thems the breaks. When you, too, are a Jedi Master, you can grant access to the island from visitors. But until then, suck it up buttercup.”

With that the old Jedi headed back into the temple.

“Don’t forget, Rey. It’s mail day.”

She cheered up and went out to sit on the large boulder next to the docking area for the mail ship.

It would be a few hours, so she closed her eyes to meditate.

“Rey, what the hell is up with that sign.”

Well there went her good mood.

“You know, Kylo, it’s been a while since we’ve spoken like this.”

“Seriously, why single out me? I don’t even wanna GO to Jedi Island!”

“It brings back old feelings.”

“I ha- wait what.”

“Oh, yes.”

“Like, uh. Like what?”

“Oh, you know. Exasperation. Annoyance. Loathing, mostly!”

There was a pause.

“So you’re saying I make you feel so strongly you hate yourself?”

Rey let out a loud sigh.

“It hasn’t been fun, Kylo. Good bye. And stop mind-tricking your guards into giving you alcohol!”

“DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!”

Groaning, she leaned backwards on the rock, letting herself hang upside down.

“Your grandson is about as good at taking a hint as you were, Ani.”

“Well I guess you would know, Ben, Don’t call me that. I’m a fucking adult.”

“He has absolutely no chance with her at all. Would you prefer I called you Lord Vader?”

“No. And I thought only the Sith dealt in absolutes.” The faded blue specter smirked.

“Are you absolutely sure about that, Ani? Because I figure you would know. Vader.”

“Oh snap,” a raspy voice croaked out, “A good one, that was.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The constant bickering of the force ghosts is something every force sensitive has to live with as background noise  
> Leia laughs mostly, Rey does her best to ignore it, and Luke laughs, cries, or gets out the special incense  
> Lando took one look at that sign and nodded. "Damn straight," he muttered.  
> Chewie was offended he wasn't also put on the sign  
> Poe and Finn, upon seeing the sign, sighed disappointedly and turned around  
> Ha just kidding they snuck in and took Rey for a joy ride  
> Honestly, those boys follow the rules?  
> Follow orders?  
> Never  
> Poe especially he sees it as a dare  
> More like suggestions of physics


	18. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An interesting proposal arrives, and Phasma has the best hangover cure. A brief interlude

Rey dozed in the sun, letting the warmth soak into her bones. A soft humming filled the air as the mail drone arrived and dumped a package in front of her before soaring off to some other destination. Perking up, she scrambled off the ground to pick it up. A small note card was attached, with a familiar swirling script addressing her.

"My dear Rey. I would like to personally thank you for the part you so vitally played in the capture of Kry-lo Ren. Please enjoy the enclosed items, and write back as soon as possible. I want to know what the fucker’s face looked like when he got stunned in the face. With the fondest regards, General Hux.“ Smiling broadly, she picked it up and ran to the temple.

“Master Luke, the mail arrived.”

“I see that. Anything interesting?” 

“Package from my pen pal. Let’s see.”

She pulled out a few shirts, a bottle of wine (quickly confiscated), and a letter.

The handwriting was significantly less formal, and the words much more direct.

“Rey. I’m at least two bottles and, and. I just. Can’t believe he’s gone. He was. The worst thing that ever happened to me. Thank you. Please marry me. I can show you what a cat is. Millicent will love you. Love, Head Bitch in Charge Hux-Master 3000.”

The young padawan folded the letter, trying to contain her laughter. 

“What is it, apprentice?”

“Nothing, master.”

“Come now, Rey, we should not keep secrets from each other. Please show me.”

Nodding, she handed him the slip of paper.

Eyebrows raising as he read the paper, he finished it with a chuckle. 

“A bold proposal if I ever saw one. And from our sworn enemy, too. You’re certainly getting popular, Rey.”

“I suppose, Master.”

“How do you know him, anyway?”

“I sent him a fruit basket once, and he added me on BlastChat. His story is hilarious, look.”

Logging in, she showed him the various pictures. One in particular stood out. General Hux was perched over a clearly unconscious heavily wounded Kylo Ren in the snow. rolling his eyes while fire burned behind them. The caption read, “Supreme Leader had me pick up the trash. #hatemyjob”

Luke made an amused humming sound, before remarking, “Are you sure we couldn’t sway him over to our side? He seems very keen on you, at least.”

“One honeypot mission is enough for my lifetime, thanks. Still. Almost a tempting offer. Never met a cat before.”

“That’s enough introspection for today, I think. Time to work on your saber skills.”

“Yes, master.”

*meanwhile, in space*

General Hux groaned as he slumped over his desk, paperwork scattered everywhere and glitter splashed across his face. He hadn’t been this hungover since the Academy.

“Lights dim sixty percent,” he muttered, rubbing his temples. The room darkened and he sighed in relief.

The door burst open as Phasma swept in, humming cheerfully before handing him a steaming mug of what smelled like coffee.

Taste would prove his olfactory senses skewed.

“What the hell is this shit?” he hissed, cradling his head.

“Bactade mixed with coffee, Sir.”

“Ugh, it’s disgusting.”

“Yes, sir.”

He gulped it down quickly, burning his tongue.

“How are you so cheerful, anyway? Why aren’t you hungover?”

The Captain shrugged, her helmet masking what was surely a vague, amused expression.

“Yes well. As you were, or whatever. Get out.”

On her way out the door, Phasma barely heard a softly muttered thank you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Captain Phasma can drink you all under the table but she wouldn't because she doesn't approve of imbibing mind altering substances  
> Just mind altering programming of the human brain  
> Her body is a goddamn temple  
> Also, General Hux is the most popular member of social media in the First Oder  
> He is happy every day Snoke doesn't have social media  
> Sorry this took so long, took me a while to get back in the swing of things


	19. A Candle in the Wind (aka do you know how hard it is to invent your own holiday it's hard)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At long last, the update!  
> Sorry it took so long, I moved twice, had to attend a funeral, saw a bunch of movies, and cheated with Star Trek  
> Anyway, here's Rey

Rey walked to her teacher’s chambers balancing a steaming cup of tea in her hands, trying to contain her nervousness. The last thing the padawan needed was for Luke to grow suspicious. Taking a deep breath, she steadied herself and entered the room.

Luke was seated on the floor in profound meditation. Or possibly napping. Rey cleared her throat.

“Master Luke?”

“Hmm?”

“I have something I have to ask you.”

Luke opened his eyes to regard her. To Rey’s private horror she began to fidget nervously.

“Clearly this matter is of some importance. What is it, Rey?”

Steadying herself, she attempted a display of nonchalance.

“Oh, well, I mean, you know. Not that important. Well, it’s important to me, that is, though I guess it’s not, like, save the galaxy important and you know? It’s not a huge deal? I probably shouldn’t even mention it but-”

Luke chuckled.

“Let me guess. You want to go get power converters?”

“What?”

“Nothing, Rey. Private joke. You’re nervous, and you clearly want something. What is it?”

Blushing, the girl sighed.

“Before I say anything, I want to remind you that I’ve been training hard. And also, I kinda captured one of our biggest threats, even if I was plastered. Also I made you tea. Oh, right, here.” She paused to hand him the cup.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Wait, where was I?”

“You were buttering me up to ask if you could go see Finn and Poe to celebrate the Festival of Philos together.”

“Oh, right. I-wait.” She stopped in shock to stare at his grinning face.  
“You knew?”

“Of course.”

“How?”

He reached for his communicator and pressed a few buttons. Finn’s face appeared.

“Look Mr. Skywalker, sir, you gotta let her come. It’ll be the first time she and I even celebrate and you know how important traditions are, you’re a Jedi! Don’t tell Rey I’m doing this but we really want her here. So I know you guys are busy but-”

“Master, I didn’t know he wou-” Luke held up one finger, gesturing for her to wait. He clicked another button. Poe’s image replaced Finn’s.

“Luke, c’mon, you gotta let the kid come, it’s important! You know we’ll watch out for her, hell, we’ll watch her better than anyone in the galaxy! She should be with us for this. Besides.” The holo took on a charming grin. “If you don’t let her, we’ll just smuggle her out later anyway.”

Luke turned it off.

“That goes on for a good three hours, between the two of them.”

“Master, I had no idea.”

“That was just the tame parts. Your Finn cries at one point. Poe takes his shirt off in an attempt to sway my decision.”

“…Did it work at all?”

Luke waved one hand in front of him.

“Eh. The kid hasn’t changed much since he was small. Did you know I knew his mother?”

“Yeah, he told me once.”

“Hell of a woman, and a hell of a pilot. Incidentally, she would have my balls if she found out I had kept you here during the festival for being with your loved ones. Leia, too. Luckily for me, I planned on letting you go anyway.”

“Really?”

“Of course! Don’t sound so surprised, padawan. Love is of vital importance, and the Festival of Philos is a time to be with friends, family, and whatever the hell comes in between. Not, of course, that I don’t consider you a loved one.”

Beaming broadly, she flung her arms around him and laid a kiss on his cheek.

“Thank you, Luke!”

“Yes, yes. Go on. Chewie’s already here, and he has your candles.”

Rey ran out to the Falcon. Luke watched her leave with a small smile. 

Lando walked out of the side room after him.

“You’re an old softy, you know that?”

“Look who’s talking. You bring me any hot chocolate?”

“Oh, am I not enough for you?”

“Hmmm. Nope.”

“I’m wounded. Really. Yes, of course. C’mon, kid, we got our own candles to light.”

“Thank the stars. I am so sick of tea.”

The two headed back into the temple.

*meanwhile, in space*  
Rey grinned as she sorted through her candles. Blue, to be lit with family. Yellow for friends. Green for the ones you love, and…Her hands faltered.  
White, for loved ones who have passed on. Her heart ached.

“Chewbacca,” she whispered.

The Wookie gave a soft growl of acknowledgement.

“Do you think I could-”

He pointed to a small white candle burning on the little table. 

“Thank you.”

She silently added her small flame to the table.

*later, not in space*  
Poe waited next to the landing strip, arm slung around Finn.

“Just wait, buddy, it’s the best party of the year! There’s gonna be dancing and food and people making out everywhere! Soon as Rey gets here, I’m taking you guys to the best spots on the base!”

“Sounds like a loud, bright, crowded mess,” Finn replied, grinning a bit nervously.

“Exactly! Wait a sec…” he squinted through the crowd of arriving and departing people. “Yeah, that’s her! REY! REY WE’RE OVER HERE! C’mon, Finn!”  
They quickly ran up to hug her. The trio laughed and started chattering excitedly about their plans, slowly making their way back to the base. 

Leia watched, smiling. She turned to Chewie and nodded gently. The two walked for the Falcon.

“I say,” chimed in C-3PO. “It’ll be rather strange to celebrate with Mister Solo gone.”

“Yes, Threepio. It will, won’t it?”

R2-D2 rammed into the back of his knees, whistling irately.

“What did I say?”

*meanwhile in gay space baby jail*  
Kylo sat angrily in the cell, staring resolutely away from the flickering blue candle on the floor.

“They’re not my family anymore,” he whispered. “I’m not her son. I’m not her son. I’m not her son. I’m not her son. I’m not her son.”

He repeated the mantra, clutching his knees like an angry child. Still. Every once in a while, he would glance at the small light, and wonder if it was growing bigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leia and the others were headed to Jedi Island to celebrate with Luke and Lando  
> Between them all, they have a lot of white candles.  
> Finn gets a bit nervous around large noisy crowds, but they all manage to have a good time regardless  
> Hux receives a yellow candle in the mail and promptly states "The fuck is this" before throwing it in the trash  
> The First Order forbids the celebration of Republic Holidays


	20. Tacos and That Ol' Janx Spirit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has fun and Kylo Doesn't. His guard deserves a raise.  
> this is a two parter the other half is coming tomorrow

Rey gawked in fascination at the spectacle surrounding her. The festival was in full swing. Lights and music swirled around the giddy trio, inviting them to revel in the excitement. At first it was a mess of chaotic confusion. 

Poe wanted to dance, Rey wanted to eat, Finn wanted to watch one of the demonstrations. Ultimately, hunger won out. 

“Alright, alright! Fine, we’ll grab some grub. Rey, you’re up. What do you wanna fill that sarlacc pit you call a stomach with?”

Rey affectionately elbowed Poe before looking at Finn.

“You’re here more than I am, what do you think?”

Finn’s eyes lit up as he beamed.

“Rey,” he whispered intently, “Have you ever had tacos?”

“The fuck is a taco?”

The two men excitedly pulled her to a nearby stand labelled ‘Taco Hutt’.

“Kid,” Poe declared, “We are about to change your life.” 

*ten minutes later*

Rey was crying.

“It’s. It’s so good.”

Finn nodded is satisfaction.

“I know, right? Way better than protein supplements, lemme tell you.” Rey nodded, focusing on chewing.

Poe laughed, slinging his arms around the pair. “I’ll make foodies out of you two yet!”

“This day could not possibly get better,” she declared.

She was wrong.

*meanwhile in the emo prison*

Kylo watched as the guard grew more and more tired.

Soon, he thought, he’ll fall asleep and I will have literally nothing left to do.

Sighing, he shook his head, watching as stray bits of glitter fell out. He never had managed to quite wash all of it out.

Rey. She was probably having a ball, hanging all over that traitorous wretch and his stupid boyfriend. Lighting candles and hugging and shit. Gross.

She was probably sooooo happy. Stupid Jedi. 

Fuck this.

“Hey. Hey, you.”

The guard lazily glanced at him.

“Yeah, you. Rebel scum.”

“What now, sadsack.”

“You will bring me alcohol.”

“I will not bring you alcohol.”

“You will bring me alcohol.”

“Fuck you.”

“You wi- you know what, fuck it.” He flopped into a corner, avoiding the candle.

“What, you think I wanna be doing this shit? It’s the Festival of Philos. I should be out there with both of my husbands! Instead I have to babysit some emo bitchbaby.”

“Yeah, but think how much easier it would be if, say, we were both shitfaced right now!”

Groaning, the guard reached into his uniform and pulled out a thermos.

“Fine,” he muttered, “But only because it’s the festival and you’re a pathetic fuckface.”

“I can handle that.”

Gulping the janx spirit deep, the manchild closed his eyes and slipped into a meditative state.

This was all her fault, anyway. She had lured him in under false pretenses. Didn’t she know he could save her? He could take her away from this godforsaken mud planet and make her a master of the stars, just like Snoke did for him!

Well maybe not like Snoke did for him. Preferably there would be way more holding hands and laughing at Hux together.

He just had to make her see.

Opening himself up to the deep yawning chasm of the force, Kylo sought her presence. She was like light, warm and bright and fierce and…Nowhere to be found.

“What the fuck,” he muttered, intensifying his concentration. 

She couldn’t have learned to mask herself, not already, that was far to advanced. The scavenger was powerful, yes, but to come so far in such little time was impossible. Not even Darth Vader, the coolest and most powerful and handsomest Sith ever, had learned like that. She must be getting help.

“Oh good,” came a voice from behind him. “You aren’t a complete and utter moron after all. Hard to tell sometimes.”

“He gets it from you,” another accented tone remarked dryly.

“Sadly I find I cannot contest it.”

“Who’s there,” Kylo hissed, seething at the intrusion. “Leave now, or I will find you and burn the soul from your body!”

“Ooooh, very dramatic. You know, the resemblance is uncanny, certain physical differences aside,”the second voice intoned.

“Shut up!”

“Moody, arrogant, obsessive…”

“Now, master,” the first voice chuckled.

“Self absorbed emo twat…And of course, powerful. That has never been a problem in your family, has it.”

“No,” Anakin stated. “No it has not.”

“Grandfather?”

He grinned in a way that wasn’t particularly friendly.

“Well look who finally decided to listen!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> obi wan and anakin have had just about enough of your shit kylo  
> and so has your guard, Carter. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HIS NAME KYLO  
> HE DESERVES A RAISE  
> obi wan is willing to take a break from dragging ani if it means he can drag ben  
> rey is having the best day of her life you aren't allowed to ruin it  
> tacos are an amazing gift from above  
> the trio are about to go dancing it's gonna be the most hilariously awkward and terrible thing ever it gets 20 million hits and luke favorites it


	21. Shitty Emo Scrublord Gets Fucked By Two Dead Grandpas XXX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo gets fuckin' murdered, Obi Wan is unappreciated, and Anakin loses his temper  
> Carter the Guard still deserves a raise

Kylo gazed in confusion at the specters before him.

“I know who you are,” he muttered, “but who’s the other guy?”

“The other guy is standing right here,” Obi-Wan muttered, “And his name is Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

“Who?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake! Are you kidding me? You were literally named after me! Obi-Wan? Old Ben Kenobi? The last Jedi? I trained your precious grandpa AND your uncle! I saved your mother’s life!”

“…Yeah, ok. Good for you, whoever you are. Doesn’t explain why you’re here.”

Obi-Wan took on a grave countenance.

“Whenever there is a Skywalker in need of dragging, I am there.”

“But I’m a Solo.”

“Bullshit you are, you’re too much of a whiny annoying prat to be a Solo. Add that to the floppy hair and following a pretty girl around, and it’s like I’m watching the walking disaster here all over again.”

Anakin scowled. “We’re here about Ben, Master, not me.”

“Speak for yourself. I’m here to drag both of you.”

The younger Jedi sighed exhaustedly. “Of course,” he muttered. “Be that as it may, we’ve gotten off track. Ben.”

“My name is Kylo Ren!”

“Yeah, well that’s a stupid name. Just like your hair cut. Ben, you have to stop being such a complete dick.”

“What?”

“A dick. You’re being one. Stop it.”

“All I’m doing is following your legacy! Continuing your path!”

“My path ended with the destruction of everything I loved! My path was dark and twisted and led only to ruin! My wife, my mother, my family! Even my master was cut down before me!”

“Thanks for that, by the way.”

“I slaughtered thousands of innocents! Men, women, others, children! All razed to the ground because I was foolish! I would give anything to take back what I did! And you, an ignorant child, you would dare to disgrace my redemption by spreading the horror I died to stop? And in my name?”

The cell filled with intense pressure as the ghost’s anger rose.

“You attack my children, you cloud my legacy, and all this for what? Power, knowledge? These things do not come with darkness! The Dark Side brings only pain, only suffering and regret! I died trying to fix what I did!”

The room began to shake under the backlash of the Force as his voice grew louder. Anakin grew brighter in his rage, until he hurt to look at.

“How dare you reverse everything I died to protect? How dare you?”

Obi-Wan laid a hand on his former pupil’s shoulder.

“Peace, Anakin. You have said your part, but you are frightening the boy.”

The former Sith closed his eyes and breathed deeply, allowing himself to be calmed. Slowly the tension in the room receded and Kylo unwrapped himself from the ball he had curled into. Anakin snorted.

“Maybe that’s what the little pissant needs, is a good scare. Maybe he’ll finally get it through his thick skull to come home.”

“Now, Anakin. Fear leads-”

“To the Dark Side. Yes, yes, I know.”

Kylo blinked in confusion.

“I don’t understand.”

“Now there’s a surprise.”

“All those times I felt drawn to the light…”

“Ring ring ring! It’s your Grandpa, is anybody home?”

“But I devoted my life to you! I built a shrine to you!”

“Yeah, by the way that’s really fucking creepy. No wonder you don’t have a girlfriend.”

“I’m working on it, ok?”

“What, you mean Rey? Kid, your technique sucks.”

“And that’s coming from a guy that thought floating someone a pear was smooth!” Obi-Wan chimed in.

“Well if that stupid traitor wasn’t around! What does he have that I don’t anyway?”

“A decent hair cut?”

“A brilliant smile?”

“Natural charm and charisma?”

“Nice arms, too.”

“He genuinely cares about her happiness and well being.”

“He actually listens to her and respects her decisions!”

“He’s got good taste, too.”

“ALRIGHT I GET IT! HE’S MR. PERFECT!”

The two ghosts shrugged.

“I thought if anyone would understand my feelings it would be you, Grandpa.”

“I understand you’re being a creepy fucker, that’s what I understand. Seriously? ‘You know I can take whatever I want?’ Who taught you to flirt? Also, maybe don’t torture the girl on the first date! And when someone burns most of your face, it’s a clear sign of rejection!”

“And stop trying to kill her friends in front of her.”

Kylo scratched the notes into the dirt. 

“Anything else?”

“Stop wearing all black, it washes you out.”

“And control your goddamn temper. Luke never gave me this much trouble.”

“Uncle Luke is usually high, Oba-Wen.”

“That is not my name.”

“Whatever.”

Sighing, Obi-Wan shook his head before turning to Anakin.

“Come along, then. Let’s leave the prat to himself. I hear Yoda’s throwing a bitching Festival party, and Mace Windu’s gonna be there.”

“Oh shit, is he gonna sing?”

“One way to find out!”

The two vanished to their revelries.

Kylo jerked back into full consciousness with a groan as the guard banged on the metal bars.

“Oh, good!” he remarked cheerfully, “You look as hungover as I feel. For a second I thought you might be dead, but no. The universe doesn’t love me that much. Anyway, thought I’d let you know. It’s time for my shift change. Hope your day’s as shitty as mine!”

He walked away whistling with the kind of carefree joy you only feel when you feel like shit and know someone you hate feels worse.

Pressing the heel of his palm into his forehead, Kylo squinted at some vague scribbles in the dirt.

He had the feeling they were important, but couldn’t remember why. 

Grumbling he closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey and her boys are eating cotton candy and playing fun games and generally having the time of their lives  
> Obi Wan and Anakin are possibly the worst people to give dating advice but they do it anyway  
> Besides Kylo's just plain to worst so it balances out  
> Mace Windu's karaoke is the highlight of the Jedi afterlife  
> the man has the voice of an angel  
> too bad Kylo absolutely blacked out  
> don't drink kids  
> you'll forget extremely important life advice  
> everyone loves Finn and why shouldn't they


	22. The Plot Advances Despite The Writer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which rey is hungover and poe dameron is Highly Amused  
> merry christmas nerds  
> and also happy Hanukkah  
> more is coming in the coming week with *gasp* longer chapters

Rey woke up with a groan, light searing her eyes and burrowing it’s way straight to the pounding in her skull. Squinting through the glare, she dragged herself up to a sitting position.  
Someone was snickering. She let out a tired half snarl as she pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes.  
“Shhhushushushushush. Don’. Don’ make. Noise.”  
Poe’s snickers grew to outright chuckling at the sight of the disheveled jedi. She glared balefully in his direction.  
“Enjoy yourself a bit too much last night?”  
“Ffffffffuck you.”  
“Probably no the best idea right now. You want some caf?”  
Rey nodded blearily, slowly adjusting to her conscious state. He handed her a warm mug of something that was almost definitely not coffee. However, after chugging it down, she found her headache had mostly alleviated.  
“Thanks, Poe.”  
“Not a problem, kid. Finn’s waiting if you wanna go get some breakfast.”  
“Not yet. Too tired. Wanna sleep forever.”  
“I wish I had recorded this. The resurgence of the Jedi, hungover as hell. One for the holonet, I tell ya.”  
His response was a long drawn out groan. The pilot grinned before sitting next to her on the bunk.  
“You want some news to brighten your morning?”  
She nodded, leaning against his shoulder.  
“ Carter, The cell guard last night, passed me when I was heading back with your pick-me-up. Our good friend Kylo is also hung over this morning. And I doubt anyone’s fixing to bring him any hangover cures.”  
A small mean grin spread to Rey’s mouth. She pressed a kiss to Poe’s cheek and stood up.  
“I think I’m ready for breakfast now.”  
He beamed.  
“No hangover cure like schadenfreude. Let’s not leave our guy waiting, huh?”  
*meanwhile, in space*  
“General Hux, sir!”  
“Yes, Captain, what is it.”  
“Urgent news! We’ve just received transmission from Supreme Leader Snoke!”  
“What’s old Scarface want now?”  
“He coming here sir! For an inspection!”  
“FUCK!”  
“He expects to see Ren and get an update on his training!”  
“Phasma. Bring me my best stationary. I need to write a letter.”  
“Yes, my General.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's here to fuck up your day  
> It's Snoke the Joke!  
> He doesn't know that the only person in the entire First Order who takes him seriously is Kylo  
> You better break out your fanciest handwriting Hux  
> side note: remember to hydrate while partying kids  
> also  
> you should know that there is a Festival shrine in the middle of the base for a group of six that the rebellion will always honor


	23. Because You Can't Write About A Death Holiday Without Ackowledging Luke And Leia's Fucked Up Lives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey goes home early and learns about the Force  
> Mainly that the Force is a huge ocean of dickishness  
> Luke self-medicates for a reason  
> also i need to figure out how to get italics working on this

While the Festival was a week long, time and the resurrection of a caste of magical warrior space monks waited for no one(at least according to Master Luke). Rey boarded the Falcon with Chewie, leaving her broken-hearted companions behind with promises to Scrype.

As usual, when she returned to the temple Luke was waiting for her, cape flowing dramatically.

“This is some kriffing bullshit,” Rey deadpanned. “There’s not even any wind today. You’re using the Force.”

“Never underestimate the usefulness of a good entrance, my young padawan. And watch your language.”

“No.”

Luke shrugged before leading her into the temple.

Once inside, the apprentice headed for her room to unpack.

“What will we be studying today, Ma-” she stopped mid-sentence, words freezing in her throat, choking her breath.

The main hall was filled with candles, dripping wax down the walls and tables and sconces onto the floor. She stared at the glow, watching the small lights flicker in the gloom of the temple. There had to be hundreds of white candles, creating this vast sea of fire.

“M-Master?”

Luke stepped quietly behind her.

“When you have lived as long as I have, as fiercely as I have, you tend to lose a lot of people.”

“Who were they?”

“All of them? That could take some time. Suffice it to say you know who the blue one is for, and the green. The yellow, too. But the white? Well, might as well go down the list.”

The room seemed to spin around her, the small waving souls burning brighter and brighter in an attempt to blind her to anything else. Rey could barely hear her masters’ words. They still bled through.

“This big one is for Alderaan. As much as Leia wold like, we can’t light a candle for everyone on that planet or the entire island would be covered. We still light two for her parents, though, just there. And those are for the first Rogue One, who get her the plans for the Death Star. Bohdi Rook was one hell of a pilot. This one is for Galen Erso, who leaked them in the first place. That one is for my good friend Biggs, and next to him are my aunt and uncle. Those are for my former students. On this pedestal over here are my parents, Obi-Wan, and Han. Over there is Wedge Antilles. He died well. I put him with the old Red Squadron. Most of these are for Rebellion members, actually. Shara Bey and her husband, Kes, are right there-”

His voice droned on as Rey stood silently, feeling the despair and loss that permeated the room surround her, filling her head, filling her heart, filling her lungs. She couldn’t breathe…

Panicking, she lashed out with the Force, searching for something stable, something strong, something-Leia. Leia was there, was always there even though her planet was burned to dust before her eyes and all of her friends and family were gone and she saw soldier after soldier fall and it was too much, everything was too much and she had to protect her. Rey had to protect Leia she had to keep her safe and alive so the closest thing she had to a mother wouldn’t become another small flickering light in a desert of death. The apprentice could feel the Force whispering to her as she concentrated all of her energy on Leia, pushed all of her will into Don’t let her die, please, not ever, let her be safe and healthy and whole, could hear Anakin, could hear Obi-Wan, could hear a voice she knew had to be Han, could hear thousands of soldiers torn into stardust in the cold and glittering void by cold and glittering ships with flashes of red, white, green, pain all of it was pain colors of agony that had to be worth it because of freedom, because of hope, because of Leia, all pushing the screaming instinct to preserve, to protect into Rey as she focused on Leia’s presence with all of her being.

Something happened. She wasn’t sure what, because she had hit the floor by the time it was over. Her last thoughts before closing her eyes and surrendering to the dark was that the stone was surprisingly cool, considering the world was on fire.

*meanwhile in the super secret rebel base*

General Leia Organa paused while walking to her quarters. A pleasant warm feeling filled her bones. She felt better than she had in months, since her husband had died and her son had lost his soul.

Sighing, Leia continued walking. She was going to have some tea.

*back on Jedi Island*

Rey groaned as she came too, staring at the ceiling of her eyelids as she allowed herself to fully return to consciousness.

“You startled me a bit, there, Rey.”

The padawan sighed, registering the voice.

“Hello, Kylo.”

“You know, I always said you were powerful. And I mean, duh, I meant it, but this? This takes the fucking cake, Rey.”

“What the fuck are you talking about.”

“Do you have any idea what just happened? I mean aside from broadcasting your panic attack to the entire universe?”

“Make sense or make dead.”

“Fair enough. You just channeled the Force, Rey.”

“No kidding, dipshit.”

“No, I mean you straight up bent that shit. It was the sickest thing I ever felt.”

“I guess I know why Jedi are supposed to suppress their emotions now.”

“Because it makes them insanely powerful?”

“Because it makes them insane. Case in point.”

“Ouch. I’m hurt.”

“Your dad says hi. Also you’re a dick.”

“Sounds like him.”

“That was just me,actually. He said you’re a fucked up little emo bitchbaby cockwaffle.”

“Sounds even more like him.”

“Go away, Ren.”

There was a pause.

“Yeah, ok.”

She sat up and opened her eyes. Luke was sitting in the corner, watching her. His face was casually neutral.

“Are you alright, kid?”

“Yes, Master.”

“That’s good. You made my sister immortal.”

“What?”

“Well, I say you. Actually, it was more like you and a fuckton of ghosts.”

A heavy silence blanketed the room. 

“Can anything be done about it?”

Luke shrugged. “No, not really. It was in the will of the Force. The Force ripped you a new one as a conduit to do it, too. You sure you’re ok?”

“Yes.”

“Alright then.” The older Jedi rose to leave.

“That’s it?”

“Yup. Nothing anyone can do. Fail to see how it could directly affect the plot or anything. Seems like an unstable emotional outburst combined with a lot of support and feeling made Leia immortal. The Force is strange. There have been immortal Sith before, and at least one immortal Jedi who eats the bones of all the other Jedi when they have died, so it’s not like there’s no precedence.” 

“No. Leia’s just immortal now. She just is.”

“Yep. Pretty much.”

“And I’m not going to get a lecture about containing my emotions?”

“You were unconscious for three days. It seems like overkill.”

“Well. Okay, then.”

“Okay, then.”

She stretched her limbs out, slowly, before rising.

“I think I get why you like your incense so much now, Master.”

“I’ll bet you do. Want some hot chocolate? Lando left some when he left.”

“I would love some.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is dedicated to Carrie  
> Leia's immortal now bc I-i mean, the Force, said so  
> Also, did you catch the reference  
> mail's on it's way  
> a whole bunch of angry ghosts can get a lot accomplished with the right conduit  
> kylo is in awe


	24. Everybody Knows Shit's Fucked *piano riff*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's the mail it never fails   
> Rey wishes it would though  
> Luke has some planning to do  
> Poe Dameron deserves everything good in this life and yet what does he receive  
> Not that

Rey looked down at the missive in her hands and blinked. She read it again. She held it upside down and read it one more time. She flipped it over and held it up to the sun.

“Rey,” Luke sighed, “Not that I don’t admire the thoroughness of your perusal, but I very much doubt the message is going to change.”

“I can hope,” she grumbled, crumpling the paper in her hands.

“What has you so frustrated, student.”

Rey looked up at her mentor, sitting on the step of the temple, looking calm and composed. She didn’t want to tell him, not when everything was so peaceful.

“Rey. I can sense your hesitation. Just tell me.”

“It’s Hux,” she relented. “He needs our help.”

“Which one is Hux again?”

“The ginger guy who built the Death Star on steroids and blew up all those planets. My pen pal.”

“Ah, yes, that guy!” Luke said brightly, “Fuck that guy!”

“Master-”

“Harmless pranking is one thing, Rey, and sure I follow the guy on social media, but Spacebook and Blastchat are one thing, getting assisting the man who blew up the entire Republic is another.”

“To be fair, he had to deal with Crylo 24 7. I would blow shit up too.”

“Don’t make excuses, Rey. What does he want.”

“It’s not really hat he wants. Supreme Leader Snoke is visiting him for an inspection. He needs Kylo back or there’s gonna be retaliation.”

“No.”

“Master Luke, please. Just read the message.”

Luke took the crumpled paper from her hands and scanned it. The penmanship, he noted, was exquisite. Clearly this man was an excellent calligrapher. He was tempted to help him on the fanciness of his handwriting alone. His eyes narrowed. The fancy allure of evil.

Still. There was an opening here, for possibility. 

He needed to speak to Leia.

“Rey, I’m taking my vacation days.”

“WHAT!”

“You’re going to need to watch over the island for the next few days. Make sure my incense is growing properly.”

“Luke, you can’t just ditch me on an island whenever you have a crisis!”

“Can and am. Make sure you eat or whatever it is you kids need to do. I’ll be back in a little while.”

He waked into the temple and started Force throwing things into a bag. A spare arm, a toothbrush, some rations, 30 spare cloaks. Everything a Jedi needed. Rey trailed after him, squawking protests that Luke mostly ignored.

If he could get to Leia, plan this out right…

Rey stood glaring as the Falcon faded from view, sun burning her eyes and rage burning her heart. Huffing, she stalked back to her room and grabbed her comm.

Poe was online. She opened Spacetime.

“Hey, Rey! Finn’s a little busy right now, but if you want we can wait for him.”

“Hey, Poe. No, I kinda just wanted to talk to you right now. Everything’s upside down and I need your help.”

“Sure kid, anything.”

“I need you to not tell Finn about it.”

Poe frowned. His face became drawn up in confusion.

“What’s wrong, why can’t I tell our guy?”

“It’s about the emo bitchbaby fuckstick.”

“What about him.”

“We might need to let him go.”

Poe sucked in a breath, eyes slamming shut. A million micro-expressions flitted across his face, giving flickering glances into his thoughts. Pain, fear, frustration. 

“Oooookay. Why the fuck would we ever do that.”

“Because if we do, then we can kill Snoke the Joke.”

There was silence on the line.

“Snoke the Joke?”

“That’s what I’ve been calling him.”

“That’s fucking brilliant!”

“Thank you it took me like two seconds to come up with.”

“Seriously though, this is. A big deal, huh.”

“Yeah. Like, this, and also I made Leia immortal-”

“Yeah I heard about that, it was awesome.”

“Thanks, and then with Kylo being all bitchy in my ear all the time-”

“Sucks.”

“You have no idea.”

“I have some idea.”

Rey paused. He was smiling wryly at her, finger tapping his temple. She had forgotten, that’s he’d gone through the same thing she did. An angry presence taking a knife to your consciousness, hacking away until it finds what it’s looking for. Whispering gently the whole time, ‘let me in, let me in, it will stop hurting when I see you fully’.

“It hurts,” she whispered.

“Yeah.”

“It felt like it wouldn’t ever stop.”

“I know.”

He did.

They both paused a moment in reflection.

“I’ve been fighting this war since I was a kid, you know. And my parents were fighting it before me. I’ve lost so many people because of it, Rey, and if letting that punk go free. Even if it guts me. We’ve gotta do it. We’ve gotta take every chance we got.”

She nodded.

“I knew him when he was a kid, you know? He wasn’t even, he wasn’t even a bad kid. He was whiny, sure, and it was kinda annoying when he would follow me around everywhere, but fuck, Rey. He was a pretty decent kid. Threw tantrums and shit, but. We couldn’t. Fuck. We couldn’t have known what was going on in his head.”

Rey nodded. It was all she could do.

“And now-Look, Rey, I know that you and Finn need me. I need you guys too. But I cant always be the happy flirt, you know? This fucking war has been my whole life. I got tortured, you got tortured, the man who did it is in a cell on our base! Just, sitting there! And now we’re gonna have to let him out, just so maybe we can end this once and for all. Finn has been acting weird since that fucker got here, and I keep having nightmares and you…You have to deal with him more than we do, but you keep so calm and composed, and I just can’t do that right now. I can’t Rey. I’m not a Jedi, I’m just a pilot.”

He sighed, and thousands of soldiers and fighters and flyers sighed with him, a ghosting blast of stardust and ice.

“You’re not just a pilot, Dameron.”

He looked up at her.

“You’re the best damn pilot in the resistance. You’re the guy who helped save Finn just by smiling at him, by being kind. You’re the pilot who gave BB-8 their own mind and communication!”

“Yeah and now they swear all the time. I blame R2.”

“Yes, but they CAN. Because you let them. You’re important, Poe Dameron. You don’t have to be happy or tough. You just have to be Poe Dameron. Because Poe Dameron is the hero this galaxy should have.”

“Fuck you’re gonna make me cry.”

“Jokes on you, I’m already crying.”

He laughed, blinking his eyes rapidly before wiping them on his sleeve.

“You’re something else, you know that kid.”

“Yeah, I know. Still not sure what that something else is yet though. Smart money’s on Skywalker.”

“Shit yeah, I thought Luke was your dad.”

“Nothing’s been confirmed yet, and honestly he and Lando are making me suspicious that that’s even a possibility.”

“Maybe you’re a Kenobi?”

“That would be cool. I do like making fun of Skywalkers, which is a Kenobi trait.”

“Who knows.”

“Give Finn my love, yeah?”

“Oh, I’ll give it to him alright!” A hint of his normal roguish grin sparked on his face as he winked. Rey laughed and signed off.

Feeling more calm in the knowledge that actually, no one knows what they’re doing ever, and everyone’s fucked up, the young Padawan went outside to shadow-spar.

After all, a battle was coming. She had to be ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one wasn't as funny as usual and is a bit long but yes I am back  
> I have my own HC for Rey's parentage and you better believe it's gonna make it's way into the fic  
> spoiler alert she's not a skywalker or a kenobi  
> hux is drunkenly waiting for a response  
> Finn comes back into the barracks ten minutes later to find Poe crying  
> "WHAT'S WRONG"  
> "I saw a really cute cat video again."  
> "O...kay"  
> "Also Rey says hi we need to make out like right now."  
> "Yeah, ok!"


	25. Poe DAMNeron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe has had it about up to here with this shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leia deserves a better son  
> And she has one!  
> It's Poe
> 
> Also, business in the First Order is going as usual, which means fucking nothing is getting done

After the call from Rey, Poe wasn’t particularly surprised when Leia ordered him to bring her son to her.

“Please, Poe,” she said, laying her hand on his arm and gazing up at him with soft warm eyes. “He may be our only hope.”

Luke snorted in the corner and pulled a flask out of his robes, then proceeded to take a swig.

“Yeah, good luck kid. Feel free to taze him.”

Leia elbowed her twin in the gut and nodded her dismissal. Poe steadied himself and headed for Kylo’s cell. Carter was sitting guard outside, perusing a magazine with a bored expression.

“Constant vigilance?”

He turned the page, expression unchanging.

“Bite me.”

“Rude. And to a superior officer, too. I might have to report you for insubordination.”

“Go ahead. My life is already hell.”

Poe winced.

“That bad, huh?”

Carter finally looked up, expression turned dour. He snapped the magazine shut and let it drop to the floor between his feet before leaning forward.

“So far, just this morning, our esteemed guest has thrown 3 different temper tantrums, tried to compel me to get him booze using the Force, tried to compel me to let him go using the Force, tried to seduce me into letting him go, refused to eat his rations, thrown his rations against the wall like a petulant child, and worst of all, he started singing. Badly.”

“It can’t be that bad, Carter.”

“He butchered Love on the Midichlorian Scale.”

“Carter-”

“That song played at both of my weddings, Poe. And now it’s ruined, and I can never listen to it again.”

“Bud-”

“And that smug asshole KNOWS IT because he can READ MY MIND.”

“We’re letting him go.”

The guard froze mid-rant.

“What?”

“We’re letting him go. Open up the doors and get him cuffed so I can take him to the General.”

He flailed a bit, looking flustered.

“I’m sorry, are you kidding? Are you joking with me right now? That’s what’s happening, right?”

Poe grinned at him. 

“Nope.”

“Oh, okay. Okay, then. Well. Poe. Pal. Have you completely lost your kriffing mind?”

“I hope not,” he muttered, a crease of frustration gracing his brow.

“Then why the fuck would we ever even consider doing that?”

“Easy.”

“Easy?”

“Easy. He’s gonna help us destroy the First Order.”

Carter gaped at him, mouth opening and closing like a fish. Poe beamed at him before clapping both his shoulders and moving towards the door.

“You gonna let him out now?”

Carter shrugged.

“Sure.”

The door opened. Kylo Ren glared up at him from his huddled position on the floor, eyes glowering from beneath the dark tangle of hair that covered his face.

“‘Sup, Ben? Heard you didn’t like your accommodations.”

He remained balefully silent.

“I was real sorry to hear that, y’know? See, unlike the First Order, we here at the Resistance take pride in our hospitality. Three squares, a nice warm cot, not torturing people...it’s like the goddamn Four Seasons in here.”

“Your so-called food is a disgrace to the word.”

“Well, I’m real sorry to hear you say that, Ben. I suppose we can’t all be royalty.”

“I am not royalty,” Kylo snarled, baring his teeth in a futile attempt at intimidation. “That woman is not my mother.”

Poe frowned.

“I’m sure she’ll be real sorry to hear you say that. You certainly don’t deserve her. Carter. Cuff him.”

Sulking, the other man secured the prisoner’s hands behind his back.

“What’s going on, where are you taking me?” Kylo snapped, pulling at the restraints.

“To see the woman that isn’t your mother,” Poe replied lightly, grabbing his arm and beginning to march him out of the room and down the hall, “She wants a word.”

“She won’t get anything from me, and that’s more than she deserves,” he shot back.

Poe tazed him.

“What was that for!?”

“Your not-uncle is there, too. He sends his regards.”

Poe tazed him again.

“What the fuck, I thought you were the goddamn friendly one!”

“Oh trust me, Ben, I am. Most people on this base want you dead. I just tazed you. But, see, the thing is, you know Finn? Cutest guy in the galaxy? Arguably the perfect man?”

Kylo groaned. Whether from the description or being tazed twice was unclear. Most likely both.

“He has a pretty rough time sleeping, Ben. Some days I don’t think he even recognizes me. He’s got a bitchin’ scar down his back. Your handiwork. Last week he disappeared for 7 hours and showed up later smelling like whiskey. And Rey. You know Rey. You never shut up about Rey, it’s unhealthy and unsettling.”

“You’d never begin to understand the bond betwee-”

“Shut up, Ben, I’m not finished. I have had the undeniable pleasure of sharing a room with her. Finn, too, in fact. Did you know she wakes up screaming sometimes, Ben? She does. And I can’t even pretend not to know why.”

Kylo glared.

“Oh, we never talk about it, of course. Because we don’t have to. As close as we are, she never had to explain. Because all our nightmares, all our pain? Has one fucking common denominator. Can you guess what that is, Ben?”

“Me.”

Poe laughed.

“You wish you were that much of a threat. Pal, you’re barely a nuisance. No. Our common enemy is the First Order. And who runs the First Order, Ben?”

“Supreme Leader Snoke?”

“Well that’s one name for him, sure. Round these parts we just call him Snoke the Joke. Not important. Here’s what is important. We’re going to kill him. We’re going to destroy the First Order. We’re gonna save the galaxy. And you’re gonna help us.”

Kylo was taken aback.

“What? Why would I ever stoop so low as to aid you and your traitors?”

“Because,” Poe responded lightly, “It’s the only way Rey could ever look at you without hatred and disgust.”

He slumped, seemingly accepting of the fact.

“So here’s what’s gonna happen, Ben. I’m gonna take you in there to see your mother and your uncle. They’re going to try to convince you to help them take out Ol’ Snokester the Jokester. You’re going to agree. You’re going to beg your mother for forgiveness. And then you’re going to help us. Because if you don’t, the only person whose opinion you care about will hate you forever. Got it?”

He frowned consideringly at the floor before grumbling out an assent.

“Good.”

Poe tazed him again.

“WHAT WAS THAT FOR?”

“You tortured me and I’m feeling petty. We’re square. Let’s go.”

He dragged him up and frogmarched him towards the General’s quarters.

Leia frowned at their approach.

“Why is he limping?”

Poe raised an eyebrow at Kylo, who glanced at the pilot.

“My foot fell asleep.”

Luke snorted.

“That’s what you’re going with?”

“That’s what I’m going with.”

“Okay, then. I assume Poe filled you in on the mission?”

Kylo nodded.

“What? How would he even know?” Leia asked, shocked.

“You’re kidding, right? Rey must have told him. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, sister dear, but she’s borderline co-dependent with Finn and Poe. Inextricably close. If I gave half a shit about the Jedi Code I would be concerned about her forming ties.”

“Yes, Luke, I’m more than aware, but this mission was to be kept top secret! We can’t risk word getting out, and- Poe why do you look like you’re going to tell me something that will make me upset.”

Poe laughed sheepishly.

“I maaaaaay have let slip to Carter we were letting him go.”

Leia stared at him blankly.

“Carter?”

“Yes.”

“The guard Carter.”

“That would be the one.”

“The guard who was forced to guard my son as punishment for accidentally leaking resistance secrets while tipsy at an outpost because no one else wanted the job. That Carter.”

“I am so sorry.”

“Half the base knows by now. Why did I even try to keep it secret in the first place. Everyone in the resistance is a gossip. Kriff.”

“If it makes you feel better, he’s probably learned his lesson by now, sister. Any extended exposure to your son could be qualified as a form of torture.”

“Shut up, Luke.”

“Ha!”

“Shut up, Kylo.”

“Aww.”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about Carter, Ma’am. It’s not like he’s going to post our confidential plans on social media.”

*meanwhile, in space*

“Sir.” 

Hux looked up from his (blessedly reduced since Ren’s capture) stack of paperwork to see Phasma standing before him, comm unit glowing in her hand.

“Yes, what is it Captain?”

“I think you should see this.”

She handed it to him, and he squinted at the screen.

“Captain, I can barely see anything. You’ve got the screen settings too bright.”

“Ah, apologies. I’ll adjust them. You can’t see anything through these helmets, so you have to-”

“Yes, I understand.”

“It makes some things difficult, sir.”

“I would imagine.”

“I don’t understand why the helmets have to be so dark. It seems like poor design. No wonder the storm troopers of old could barely hit the broad side of a barn.”

“Yes, I could see how-”

“It should be changed, General. I’m sure that would increase effectiveness and reduce fatalities exponentially.”

“I’ll consider it, Captain.”

“See that you do.”

Hux sighed.

“May I see the comm unit now, Captain?”

“Yes.”

He squinted at it again.

“Okay now it’s just. Way too dark.”

“Adjust it yourself, then. I can’t see shit out of this helmet.”

“Alright, alright! Enough about the bloody helmets!”

“I’m just saying. You can fit an aesthetic without compromising effectiveness.”

“I get it.”

“I don’t think regard for the troopers was put into these design at all.”

“Well, to be fair, they were designed at a time when stormtroopers were literal clones. They could be mass produced in the blink of an eye relatively cheaply. Casualties weren’t a very big concern.”

The temperature of the room notably dropped.

“General. Are you indicating you think of my troops as. Disposable.”

“No, certainly not! I myself advocated strongly to move away from clone labor!”

“I see.”

“Brainwashing is so much more effective.”

Phasma hummed noncommittally. 

“What’s that about.”

“What’s what about?”

“You hummed noncommittally.”

“Did I?”

“Captain-”

“I just think maybe brainwashing isn’t very effective after all.”

Hux groaned.

“This is about the rogue trooper, isn’t it. FN-2187.”

“Maybe.”

“Captain, please. He was an anomaly. No one else is having doubts about our mission, correct?”

She remained silent for a moment.

“...Correct, sir.”

He peered at her suspiciously before the comm caught his eye again.

“Ah, yes. What were you so eager to...show...me.....” His voice trailed off as he reread the short message on the screen.

CarterGoesHarder@resistancegoesthedistance LOL FINALLY GOT OFF GUARD DUTY! GUESS WE’RE LETTING CRY-LO GO BC HE’S WORKING WITH US TO TAKE DOWN THE FIRST ORDER OR SOME SHIT #FINALLY #WHATTABITCHBABY #HOPENOBODYSEESTHISLOL #DRUNKPOSTING #PORGSARECUTE #SNOKETHEJOKE #HANYOLO #WAITISITTOOSOONFORTHAT

“Where did this come from?”

“A lower-ranked Resistance member’s social media account.”

“Why are you following a Resistance member’s social media?”

“...Collecting intelligence.”

“Bantha shit.”

“We both follow Luke and his livestreams are amusing.”

“Ah. Regardless. You know what must be done.”

“Indeed, sir.”

The intercom blared.

“ATTENTION ALL CREW MEMBERS. SUPREME LEADER SNOKE IS COMING SOON. IF ANY ATTEMPTS ON HIS LIFE OCCUR, JUST, LIKE. LOOK THE OTHER WAY. DO NOT INTERFERE. THE MAN IS A JOKE. HUX OUT.”

Hux cracked open a bottle of Corellian brandy.

“Captain?”

“Couldn’t possibly, General.”

“I insist.”

“Oh, very well.”

The bottle was gone in the matter of an hour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carter's backstory is expanded on, which no one but me wanted but it's my fic so HA
> 
> The more you think about how stormtroopers were disposable cannon fodder for a fascist regime with unwieldy uniforms and shoddy equipment who had no choice in the lives they led the more you find yourself thinking that maybe all those missed shots and easy escapes weren't necessarily luck or The Force
> 
> Finn's gonna lead a rebellion in TLJ i tell you what
> 
> Poe is a good pilot and a great spy but sometimes the dude's just gotta taze a fuckin space nazi
> 
> For Luke
> 
> For Rey and Finn
> 
> For all of us
> 
> And also for himself. The whole torture thing is still kinda fresh for him.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. (No I'm not) For Juulna


End file.
